Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Dear Filipino Youth, You've Got Mail!

Dear Kababata,

If you are doing a research paper please don’t do it Sotto style. If you have plans of becoming a Senator some day, there are other templates to choose from.

If you wish to legislate laws in the future or engage in debates concerning national interest, please attend your logic classes and listen intently.

If you are a member of the Student Council or holds a leadership position, start learning what accountability and command responsibility means. Pointing a finger at your people does not make you faultless.

Please learn the difference between an apology and passing blame. Otherwise, even if you become a Senator of the Philippines or his attorney you won't be insulated from being perceived as a hopeless case of being eternally dumb and mutually arrogant.

If you are by any chance a resident of Cebu, please spare our country from shame and ask Annabelle Rama to back off. Tax payer’s money need not be spent or entrusted to a war freak, power hungry woman who has been stripped off of breeding ever since God knows when.

If you by any chance, believe that Raul Roco or Dick Gordon or even Jesse Robredo is the best president we never had, take it upon yourself to educate your peers and those within the circle of your influence. If you fail to do so, prepare for doomsday.

Rich, middle class or poor, it took a lot of resources and investment on your parents part to send you to school so unless you are suicidal by nature, stay away from fraternities with life threatening initiation rights. What use do you have with brotherhood if you are six feet under the ground?

If you happen to be a product of Class A Philippine tertiary education please make sure you manifest it. Do not slap an MMDA officer just because you are pissed.

Gone are the days when suspension of classes because of a visiting storm is fun. Recent flooding events have rendered the entire country paranoid. So next time you feel like not coming to school don’t wish for rain.

As you progress from high school to college you’d understand how you are suppose to evolve into a waterproof creature. Bear in mind that your metamorphosis should be complete once you become part of the workforce. There is no such thing as suspension of work either you sink or swim.

Invest not in SUVs or three-storey abode but make sure you have rubber boats too!

The idea that flooding is caused by poor waste management is partly true but there is more to the recent flooding than garbage.

The idea that we are a poor country because of the leaders we elected is also partly true but there is more to being a third world nation than sub-standard election choices. 

Do not be swayed by the idea that a mere impeachment or change in leadership would make things better. Understand that there is a difference between starting point and end point. There is a reason why ‘ningas cogon’ is a behavior attributed to Filipinos.

Lastly, next to light and sound, information now travels at unbelievable speed, case in point is your Twitter account. Use it wisely. There’s more to life than trending PBB Teens or Justin Bieber. 

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Slapping, Plagiarism and Kidnapping: Carabuena, Sotto, GO!

Robert ‘Blair’ Carabuena made a name for himself after a video of him slapping an MMDA officer was made public.

Mr. Carabuena denied reports he is related to Annabelle Rama or Claudine Baretto.

According to reports, Mr. Carabuena has now been suspended by his employer (Philip Morris) following the barbaric incident and public clamor to bring him to justice.

Rumor has it that Mr. Carabuena currently spends his free time conducting initiation rights for neophytes in San Beda’s law fraternity.

Senator Sotto also made headlines recently for accusations of plagiarism in connection to his anti-RH bill speech.

It can be noted that a week ago, when Habagat visited the country, an anti-RH bill advocate warned that the floods and non-stop rains are God’s way of saying ‘No To RH Bill!’

After Sotto delivered his speech, it was made known that the floods and non-stop rains were actually sent so the actor-senator-comedian can be prevented from using the taxpayer’s money to blab about non-sense, illogical hodge-podge.

If it’s any consolation, Senator Sotto just made history by redefining the general perception of the public to government officials. Whereas before, they were perceived as stealing people’s money, now it can be told that they also steal people’s ideas.

In his speech, Senator Sotto claims that pills are dangerous to a woman’s health. Never did he realize that not checking your speech sources could be as deadly.

Simultaneous with Caranbuena and Sotto making the headlines is the news that convicted murderer Rolito Go was ‘kidnapped’ from prison.

After Go was ‘released’ and sent back to prison, rumor has it that the Ampatuan family tried to contact the kidnappers and offered triple the amount for them to kidnap Zaldy.

Similarly, the camp of CGMA is now dropping the ‘I am sick’ card as it seems to be NOT working. They are now in search for the best kidnapping firm to abduct the former president.

Rolito Go was convicted of murder in 1991 when he shot a La Salle student in his car over a traffic argument and Robert 'Barney' Carabuena was like 'oh common! slapping wasn't even close to killing!'

Robert Carabuena will call a press conference in a while to air his sentiments. Here’s the content of his short bit very emotional speech:

‘ I was a victim too! A victim of cyber-bullying! How dare you judge me and call me Barney when all I did was slap that MMDA officer!’

(Looks straight into the camera, cameraman takes a close up shot)

‘I….. did not kill…… anybody!’

POSTSCRIPT: In a recent blog post by the Sarah Pope (writer whose work has been used by Senator Sotto in his speech), she was quoted saying:

‘A thief is a thief, Mr. Senator. Denying it doesn’t get you off the hook; it just makes you a lying thief.’

A famous Filipino saying goes like- ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng magnanakaw. Now it can be told that they are not siblings, rather a case of split personality.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Attack Of The Habagat: Diary Of An Absent Employee

For the first time in my employment history I was absent and I felt helpless if not down right disappointed because even if I wanted to there’s just no way that I can go to work given the severe flooding that engulfed the metro.

Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely thankful that me, my family and loved ones and those that I know are safe, dry and fueled.

Being exposed though to a calamity this colossal made me realize that:

(1) In as much as this country is beaming with the most noble and kind-hearted volunteers with the purest intention to help and save lives, there are also many of our kababayans who would use the crisis situation to their extreme advantage.

Among them are politicians giving out relief goods with their face stamped on every canned goods and plastic bags and tricycle and jeepney drivers jacking up their price by as much as 1000% and some even go to the extent of having passengers bid. Highest bid gets to go home.

(2) We only think about the garbage situation in the country only during and days after the flood but we don’t do anything about it. Sure some LGUs have started to implement the use of paper bags and proper waste segregation but this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Waste management is more than a change in process; we need a change in behavior.

(3) Tuned in to the news almost 24/7 makes you just ask the question: ‘why do we have stubborn kababayans who would refuse preventive evacuation only to ‘beg’ for it when the situation has become a matter of life and death?’

(4) Given the recent weather trends a two or three story house no longer gives you and your family immunity or peace of mind for that matter. Everyone is now vulnerable.

(5) We are generally a reactive race. Setting aside weather forecasts, which forewarns possible calamities and acts only when it has happened. Case in point: the long, crazy queue in supermarkets and groceries while rains are pounding non-stop.

(6) For the middle and working class an internet connection (or a twitter account for that matter) is more important than having an electric or water supply. No internet connection means disconnection from the  outside reality.

(7) Stupidity knows no calamity. As with the case of RH Bill detractors who used the incident to ‘strengthen’ their case and conclude (without reason or logic) that God sent the rains as  punishment for the country for even ever pushing for the RH Bill to be enacted.

(8) News on TV does not help promote critical analysis and dwells on the mushy stuff which, more often than not promotes nothing but fleeting effect. TV stations are obsessed with how much donations they have raked in and not a single one asking- ‘when will we get to that situation when donations are no longer necessary because we have made significant improvements such that we no longer go into this situation year after year?’

(9) Flooding is more than a garbage problem. It is a problem that has been discussed and resolved by almost every urban cities around the world our neighbors included (Singapore and Malaysia). It is a problem that involves careful analysis of our topography, sewerage system, urban planning, zoning, water ways and sources among others. We do not lack brilliant minds, we lack direction.

Being stranded for 12 hours and seeing the water perpetually rise having no clue how I could go home safe is a traumatic experience but nothing compared to what thousands of Filipino families went through during Ondoy and the recent ‘attack of the Habagat’.

What is both sad and scary is that- there seems to be no ray of light as of the moment.

Not until the government understands that it takes more than relief operations to fix the issue.

Not until we demand more from our government officials.

Not until we demand more from ourselves.

The future remains cloudy for Manila.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Wiretapped Conversations 1: PNOY-GMA

Unknown to many a wiretapped conversation between PNOY and GMA has been retrieved. Read the transcript at your own risk!

GMA: Ba’t ba galit na galit ka sakin noh?

PNOY: Corrupt ka kasi. Kung walang corrupt walang mahirap!

GMA: Ah talaga ba? Eh ba’t mahirap ang magshashaka sha Hacienda Luishita? Corrupt ba ang pamilya mo?

PNOY: Excuse me! Wag mong idamay ang pamilya ko!

GMA: Ang shaya shaya no? Eh ba’t lahat ng kaalyado ko dinamay mo? Pati mga anak at ashawa ko?

PNOY: Weather-weather lang yan. Si ERAP nga pinakulong mo kasama ng anak niyang si Jinggoy!

GMA: Eh kashi naman noh pinapapirma ko siya ng resignation letter at pinaalish ng bansha, ayaw niya kaya ayan Chavit Shingshon este plunder case ang katapat niya!

PNOY: Atat na atat ka kasi maging pangulo.

GMA: Excuse me lang noh? Ako pa ba ang atat? Eh ikaw nga tong hindi na nagbabang luksha diretso kampanya na! Well shabagay in that ashpect pareho tayo anak ng former preshidents!

PNOY: Ulul mo! Ako duly elected by the majority! Hindi ko kailangan si Garci!

GMA: Well PNOY, I-AM-SORRY…. Hahaha! Hindi nga ako elected by the majority sa EDShA naman ako nanumpa. Next to your mom Cory ako lang ang nakagawa nun. Ang shaya shaya noh?

PNOY: Bilang na ang araw mo!

GMA: Bilang na rin naman ang buhok mo! Ang shaya shaya!

PNOY: At least ako mataas ang popularity ratings!

GMA: Talagang tataash ang popularity ratings mo no eh banatan mo ba naman ako ng banatan tuwing ShONA. Wala na bang iba? Hahaha! 

PNOY: Hindi ka nakanood last SONA no? Kasi nakakulong ka? Hahaha! Change topic na ko uy! Tinatahak na naming ang tuwid na landas!

GMA: Talaga lang ah! Hindi ka ba nahihiya na yung mga unggoy sa kongreso na nag shtanding ovation sa akin dati ang mga pumapalakpak shayo ngayon? Naging kapartido mo pa? Ang shaya shaya!

PNOY: Wait ka lang, natanggal ko na si Corona pag si De Lima Chief Justice na BITAY ka! Hahaha!

GMA: Are you threatening me PNOY? Maniniwala na sana ako sayo kaso lang nilagay mo sa JBC yung ka wavelength mong si Neil Tupas! Hahaha! Mishki nga sa impeachment it was Corona's admission that handed the victory to your bopol prosecution team! Hahaha!

PNOY: Walang patutuluyan ang usapan na to!

GMA: Walang pinatuluyan ang relationship niyo ni Grace Lee and the one before her si Shalani…. One… two… threee…. GO! Ang shaya shaya no?

PNOY: Wala din naman pinatuluyan ang kasal ni Mar at Korina! Har! Har! Har!

GMA: Apir tayo jan!

PNOY: Apir? Akala ko life threatening ang condition mo? Umaarte ka lang yata para ma-hospital arrest!


PNOY: Hindi ako convinced!

GMA: Kelan ka ba naniwala sa akin? Uy nung nag St. Lukes ako tinanong ko yung attending physician ko about your sister Kris Aquino. Yung case niya dati with Joey? Chlamydia ba yun? Hihihi!

PNOY: Ulul! Sa Makati Med yun! Hahaha! Erase, erase! Baka mabasa ni Josh at ni Bimby!

GMA: Ay oo nga sa St. Lukes pala yung kay John Lloyd at Shaina!

PNOY: Ah talaga? Totoo daw ba?

GMA: Hahaha! Gullible ka talaga PNOY! Hahaha! Alam mo ba ibig sabihin ng gullible?

PNOY: syempre naman!

GMA: Shige nga! Ano?

PNOY: (Biglang nag nosebleed) Tapos na akong mag charge ng PSP. I need to go!

To be continued....

Friday, August 3, 2012

Trash Talk

Rumor has it that Face-To-Face (popular TV show hosted by Amy Perez, TV 5) is busy preparing for the most anticipated episode of the century featuring Annabelle Rama, Amalia Fuentes and Nadia Montenegro!

The much-awaited episode came into picture after negotiations between Claudine and Mon Tulfo fell off the cracks.

One of the highlights of the episode apart from the 1-hour trash talking and chair-throwing would be an interactive survey conducted via text votes twitter messages.

SURVEY: Sino ang gusto niyong awayin ni Tita Annabelle susunod?

Via Text: AMOK_(Name of Kaaway) and send to 2366 for all networks
Via Twitter: @faceTOface use the hashtag #amok #F2FAnabelle

That’s one world class, interactive, trash talk reality TV for all Pinoys to enjoy!

Speaking of trash, the Guinness Book Of World Records has been invited to inspect Manila Bay and see if it would qualify as the world’s biggest water-based dumpsite.

The inspection was conducted after Typhoon Gener but even before that, DENR and DPWH have been convinced that Manila Bay is indeed the next Payatas.

Still on trash, De Lima’s Chief Justice dream is at risk of being dumped after the IBP ruled that the case filed against her (disbarment for her defiance on previous Supreme Court ruling) should be pursued. Under JBC rules a candidate for CJ should not have any pending case.

PNOY was quoted saying that Malacanang lawyers are helping De Lima to sort this out. JBC was supposed to give NoyNoy the names of the shortlisted candidates end of July but it did not happen.

We have a saying in Filipino, ‘basurang tinapon mo babalik din sayo’.

Next week, we would witness hypocrisy and ideology clash at the Congress and in the Senate as our honorable lawmakers put the RH Bill to a vote.

Whether or not it would be trashed depends on how many Congressmen still fears the oldest bully the world has known and we popularly refer to as the Catholic Church.

All eyes are on Manny Pacquiao who is a known critic of the RH Bill in public but a notorious proponent of extra-marital affairs in person.

BREAKING: Manny Pacquiao is being considered to play the role of Two-Face in the next Batman Series.

POST SCRIPT: Manny Villar is willing to partly solve the garbage problem of Metro Manila. 

Rumor has it that he would guest in WillTime BigTime one of these days and announce that he accepts tons of trash and plans in converting them to a 'dagat ng basura' where he and his family can bathe everyday.