Enteng, Rattle and Roll!

It’s summer in December! Unprecedented. 

I don’t know if this is heaven’s way of punishing the Philippine Islands for patronizing the yearly MMFF. All I know is halo-halo is the new star of the Noche Buena!

BREAKING: Puto Bumbong production is currently on hold. Vendors are thinking of replacing it with ice drop or dirty ice cream in time for the yearly tradition of ‘Simbang Gabi!’

If you think that the hot weather at this time of the year is bad and the Twilight movie franchise is worse, wait till you see the line-up of the movies at this year’s MMFF!

Kung kanin ang staple food sa hapag ng mga Pilipino, si Enteng, Si Agimat at ang Shake Rattle and Roll ang constant sa equation ng MMFF.

Well, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with the movies outlined above. I myself is a self-confessed fan of the earlier versions of the Shake, Rattle and Roll series.

The problem lies when these movie franchises are canned and intentionally made to monopolize the venue that is said to showcase and celebrate Filipino creativity, artistry and film-making genius.

Did you know that some 30 years ago, when this annual event was inaugurated (1975) it became the platform for films like Burlesk Queen, Karnal,  Atsay, Bulaklak ng City Jail, Ang Totoong Buhay Ni Pacita M. and yes, Himala!

What happened?

Well producers say the mass needs to be entertained and by entertainment they mean slapstick comedy and cheap scare tactics and shallow plots and excruciatingly bad acting oftentimes relying on surnames, bankability or just like twilight- love teams.

Speaking of Himala, it would be shown in high definition a couple of weeks before MMFF which makes me feel both excited and sad. What happened to the filmmaking industry in the Philippines?

Are we as dumb as these producers perceive us to be?

Perhaps.

How else can a parent stomach their children’s hard-earned pamasko to be spent on the nth installment of the Kabisote franchise?

The movie line up for this year is not any different from the previous years. The only exciting spectacle that can be derived out of this yearly MMFF is if one among the Kabisote or Agimat or Shake Rattle and Roll decides to drop. Thanks Mano Po!

By undermining the capacity of the Filipino to understand and enjoy a good movie, the filmmakers of this country is doing us a disservice. By patronizing garbage outputs we are not only wasting our money but we are proving them right.

So anong bago this December?

Summer. Yun lang. Let’s all go to Boracay! For a change.

The Ugly Truth: Catholic Voting Bloc and RH Bill

In light of the heated debate on the RH Bill, members of the Catholic Church threatened that the ‘catholic voting bloc’ would be felt in the 2013 midterm elections and deny any pro-RH politician a seat in either the senate or the congress.

Remind me again that the bishops are not hallucinating or in a trance when they said this? What voting bloc are they talking about?

The existence of the ‘catholic voting bloc’ if at all it can be confirmed would also pave the way for us to ascertain the existence of mermaids, unicorns and Santa Claus!

If its any consolation, it can be noted that through out history everything that the Church opposed in time became a universal fact. Classic case is that of Galileo who insisted that the sun and not the earth was the center of the solar system.

If at all something can be derived here, apart from the fact that the Church has been the staunchest bully in the history of politics and mankind, it is that the Church cannot be trusted to interpret scientific arguments.

One of the main tenets of our constitution affirms the separation of the Church and the State but for some reasons the Church has always found its way to dip its fingers to the affairs of the state.

Unless we have all forgotten, the Church is the single entity in this country that is absolved and insulated from the claws of ‘tax’ making them invincible from audits and inquiries.

Truth is, the Church has so much in its plate right now. 

The age-old allegations of unresolved sexual assaults conducted by its members, the dwindling number of believers and followers, the advancement of science and technology challenging most their basic belief and the ongoing debate on its relevance in light of the many religions that exist (which is not as restrictive or dogmatic).

Truth is, the Catholic Church in the Philippines could have used its power and influence to tackle and force our crooked politicians to resolve issues on rampant poverty and corruption and help its indigent parish to bring to light their plight on sub-standard education and hunger.

But they chose to dip their fingers on the RH Bill.

Yes, the RH Bill.

They turned their back and insisted on NOT answering the question on how they have educated their parish on responsible parenthood.

It is said that the crooked politicians would rather have a constituent that is uneducated and poor because by doing so they retain their power every election.

The ugly truth is, the same can be said of the Church. They would rather have people who are hungry and people who don’t have anything to eat or a decent place they can call home or adequate access to the right education.

Because by doing so they retain their influence and relevance. 

AMALAYER!

In the tradition of Christopher Lao (the lawyer who insisted ‘I was not informed!’ when asked about his decision to compel his car to whirl in a heavily flooded area) and Robert Blair Carabuena (the pig  HR practitioner who punched and cursed an MMDA officer) another online sensation was born today!  

Kudos to Claudine Baretto for championing this public display of outburst school of behavior!

Thanks to the advent of technology too! Today there’s nothing more dangerous than a pissed off citizen, a public servant in uniform doing his/her job and a random bystander with a cellphone camera.

The online universe called her AMALAYER and by now she is on her way to become another youtube and twitter trending icon.

Well at least until another one takes her place.

Her offense: ‘misbehaving’ in a public place shouting at a lady guard for allegedly mistreating her by asking her to have her bag inspected as a protocol.

AMALAYER retaliated in full volume and predominantly in English while uttering the sentences ‘may pinagaralan akong tao!’

Alright then, if there’s a lesson that can be derived from this incident it is that: ‘not anyone that goes to school can be called ‘may pinag-aralan’

Attending a school and being educated are two different things.

Truth is, AMALAYER didn't utter expletives, she didn't even dare punch the lady guard. She raised her voice yes and made a scene using an armalite of repetitive english words.

The ugly truth is, this girl is not the first person in the Philippines to have used the English language to highlight how she is supposed to be a cut above the rest and acted as if she is entitled to humiliate anyone in uniform.

Oh common! This country worships, loves, fears, adores the English-speaking segment of the population! 

We equate the English language to some sort of supremacy and some even go to the extent of correlating it with intelligence quotient.

No wonder no one takes Lito Lapid seriously. Well, not until Tito Sotto displayed his arrogance brilliance!

The funny thing is reactions have been predictable, following the same pattern of those who gained ‘stardom’ before her.

Generally people were appalled, some chose to make fun of it (as the case of the picture above from twitter) and some of course say that it is just a snapshot.

And a snapshot is not enough to tell a story. 

Well true, but for now, AMALAYER would just need to stomach the public disparagement, take down her online social accounts for a while, hibernate.

Or she could do one thing, be elected as a representative in the Philippine Congress or Senate and invoke her right to parliamentary immunity!

Tama Tito Sen?

Bring Out The Pumpkins!

I don’t know exactly when Filipino kids started celebrating ‘trick or treat’. All I know is that it is recent.

During my time, this time of the year meant family reunions at the cemetery with lots of food, a giant cooler, a tent and restless kids collecting melted candles which would later be converted into a giant ball, the bigger the bida better!

Tradition states that you and your cousins would watch the Halloween episode of Magandang Gabi Bayan and later on sleep in one bed hugging the crucifix for the fear that the aswang or mananaggal or kapre would skulk at midnight.

But with the recent turn of events, I doubt that the aswang or manananggal or kapre would still live long. Kids nowadays only recognize zombies and Frankenstein and of course the vampires! 

Soon, local horror story would be a thing of the past. Heck, who among the new generation knows what horror story the legendary Balete Drive stands for? or the tale of the headless priest?

In the next five years kids won’t even know the power possessed by that clove of garlic idly sitting at the kitchen drawer and how it is supposed to be the kryptonite of all known entities of the dark!

Today, vampires aren’t supposed to be scary. They are supposed to be sexy and perfect and the benchmark for an enduring love story. This is the part where I puke.

Zombies aren’t supposed to fright you too! All you need are a bunch of sunflowers and you should be good! Your brains included. 

Just like our concept of Christmas, our ‘Araw ng Patay’ is slowly evolving into a pale sottocat copycat of the western tradition.

There’s nothing wrong with it except that if kids connect Christmas with Santa and his raindeers and Halooween with Trick or Treat then we might as well ask God for snow! Remind me again that we are located at the tropics near the equator?

And since its almost every Filipino’s dream to experience snow, I think its high time for PAGASA to stop calling it typhoons and instead practice tagging it as hurricanes!

The trick or treat tradition encourages people to dress up in costumes and be everything they want to be for a night. Sounds like a liberating exercise to me!

Question is, if Filipino politicians dress up like clowns or thieves can we still call it dressing up?

Someone bring those giant pumpkins out!

Sin Tax Bill Gone Bad

Senator Ralph Recto received overwhelming criticisms for his 'watered down' version of the Sin Tax Bill. It’s easy to understand why.

According to the senator his version was the most realistic and pragmatic. It projects to rake in a total of 15 Billion pesos revenue for additional tax to be slapped on cigarettes and alcoholic beverage purchases.

Let's go take a step back.

The sin tax measure serves dual purpose.

First and foremost it seeks to deter a large chunk of the population (who belongs to the middle and low class) in smoking cigarettes and/or drinking alcoholic beverages and second it seeks to increase the government’s revenue.

Malacanang has been pushing for a version of the bill which would allow the government to collect at least 60 Billion pesos. Recto’s version (15 Billion projected revenue) is nowhere near that figure.

So from a profitability standpoint it fails miserably. 

In reality, the Philippine government spends around 177 Billion pesos for healthcare expenses related to smoking diseases. If you think about it, the revenue to be generated from this bill would not even cover half of the cost of hospitalization and health services spent annually by the government.

It should also be noted that the lower and middle class accounts for 90% of all the smoking and alcohol-related ailments in this country.  The very same segment of the population which is incapable of availing decent medical services.

By making the additional tax conservative or as Recto puts it, ‘realistic’, the bill defeats the principle of it being a deterrent for the continuous and lavish consumption of sin products. 

Why would a smoker stop his habit if it would only cost him a few more bucks to continue it?

If its any consolation, Recto resigned as the Committee Chair and asked that his version of the bill be put to trash. Class act.

And Senator Sotto was like, ‘What the hell buddy! Why resign? Ever heard of the cyber-libel?’

To which Recto replied: ‘Umm, it got a TRO from the Supreme Court remember? Also I don’t think I am as thick-skinned! I also don’t have a noontime variety show to defend me or wash up my image’

‘But you have no less than the Star For All Seasons as a wife! When election day comes the public would forget what this was all about! Think about the number of smokers in this country that would support you and vote for you! For all you know, you could win by a landslide!’, said the brilliant senator-clown.

'Pero yung totoo, na-influence ka ba ng cigar companies?' , usyoso ni Sotto

'Eto na lang, na-influence ka ba ni Kennedy dun sa last speech mo? Yung tinagalog mo?', sagot ni Recto na halatang inis. 

To which Sotto blurted: 'Sabi ko nga! Hindi na ako magtatanong!'

In a separate and unrelated event Pedro Calungsod became the Philippines’ second saint ordained by the Vatican. Manny Pacquiao was hoping he could snatch the third slot. 

Jinky Pacquiao is running for a vice gubernatorial post. If ignorance, arrogance and stupidity is a sin then she and her husband should be heavily taxed! 

Problem solved. 

Top 10 Sure Fire Signs That You’re In For A Fucked Up Elections

TEN: When the Senate, supposed to be composed of 24 individuals esteemed for their competence, brilliance, integrity and independence, is instead filled up with 4 surnames, action stars and a self-righteous clown.

NINE: When you have actors at the sunset of their career waking up  one day realizing that they want to help the poor (some would go to the extent and claim that the poor needs them!) and list themselves as resident of a certain municipality, city or province where they can be elected as mayor, congressman or governor never mind if it’s their first time to set foot on that soil.

EIGHT: When you have political clans who act as if they own a province. Passing down the political seat from father to mother to son and daughters and cousins and back. The same bigots who proclaim their surname spells legacy.

SEVEN: When you have three personalities (Aquino, Villar and Madrigal) known for their mudslinging in the last elections casting allegations of corruption and psychological incapacity among others, now under one political coalition.  Talk about ideology.

SIX: When you have a talent manager running for a seat in the congress whose only claim for fame is her ability to dodge libel complaints and her habit to expel expletives in conjunction with her reference to the Sto. Nino.

FIVE: When the wife of an absentee congressman-boxer runs for a vice-gubernatorial seat armed only with the intention to ‘help the poor’, the latest Hermes bag and a newly ‘botox-ed’ face.

FOUR: When an absentee congressman-boxer whose sole achievement in the house of representative is quote a bible verse and be present at most three times a year, runs for a gubernatorial post after switching political affiliations as often as his fight with Juan Manuel Marquez. Yes, that’s four times already!

THREE: When you have majority of the population voting by the slightest hint of a popular surname never mind track record, never mind competence so long as they promise to be at the side of the poor. The operative word is 'promise' and 'poor'. The former is the end the later being the means to the end. 

TWO: When you have 95% of the candidates running for a government post because either (1) they want to help (2) they are heeding the call of the people. The former being a case of extreme idiocy and the later a serious case of delusion.

ONE: You have majority of the population whose memory retention is just slightly better than a goldfish and whose idea of holding their leaders accountable is only tantamount to highly publicized impeachment proceedings and oftentimes pointless grandstanding that is masked as senate inquiries. 

eMartial Law Act of 2012

Last night, numerous facebook and twitter users changed their profile pictures to a black image in protest of to the  Republic Act 10175 otherwise known as Cybercrime Prevention Act of 2012, which is in effect today.

The bill gathered criticism and opposition because of the alleged ‘insertion’ of a provision for libel as criminal act that is punishable by 1M pesos or 12 years in prison.

To those who feel that the libel clause would curtail freedom of speech there are several workarounds possible:

First, seek Anabelle Rama’s advise on how to best survive a libel case. She is a veteran.

Second, use vague and ambiguous blind items. Example:

‘Sino itong kasalukuyang presidente na pumirma ng e-martial law na naturingan pa namang anak ng dating presidente na nagtaguyod ng demokrasya ng bansa? ‘

In a totally unrelated news, if Ferdinand Marcos was alive today he would have put his thumbs up and say: ‘Great job Noy! Continue my legacy!’

The insertion of the libel clause in the Cybercrime Prevention Act teaches our kids two valuable things:

First, copying and plagiarism is alright but calling a liar a ‘liar’ or a thief a ‘thief’ or a plagiarist a ‘plagiarist’ is a crime.

Second, it would take a lifetime to pin down a government official for plunder but only a ‘pikon’ polictian-celebrity-personality to send someone to jail.

Recent turn of events had CGMA grinning from ear to ear. She posted a facebook status that said ‘subukan mo lang mag post sa twitter tungkol sa akin at sisihin ang administrasyon ko sa mga SONA mo at idedemanda kita ng libel!’

There are some pending bills in the Congress that are closely related to the eMartial Law Act of 2012 which includes:

eTresspassing Act – a law that makes annoying facebook game requests a criminal act.

eMurder Act- a law that makes premature tweets or facebook status declaring a person dead (contrary to facts) a criminal act.

eCurfew Act- a law that defines the hours where citizens can tweet or update their facebook hours.

eTheft Act- a law that makes unauthorized sharing or re-tweeting of pictures, videos and status a criminal law.

eRape Act- a law that makes unauthorized use of a picture of your unwilling online crush to serve your own carnal pleasures. 

eLandi Act (otherwise known as the Cyber Kulasisi Act) - a law that makes ‘landian’ in facebook and in twitter a crime.

eMo- the act of posting unnecessary and excessive status and tweets related to love, relationship and lack or absence thereof. 

Recycling Kabit Movies

Revivals and covers have been the name of the game in almost the last two decades in the Filipino Pop Music landscape.

Some would be subtle and proclaim that its all about honoring the Filipino talent or some sort of tribute, but I am sure that it would not take an Einstein to point out that the main consideration has always been commercial success if not an explicit deficiency in creativity.

This trend recently found its way in mainstream Filipino movies with one persistent theme- the lives and feelings and struggles of mistresses (kabit, kerida, kalaguyo, kaagaw, kulasisi)

And no, there are no pretensions.

They come in using the almost the same cast, exploring the same themes and often times the same punch lines- save for some tweaks here and there of course.

BREAKING: Senator Sotto denied he has anything to do with this trend. How can someone steal or copy the story of a film when clearly they have different titles?

Unless the trailer is misleading Anne Curtis and Derek Ramsey’s upcoming film: A Secret Affair tackles, hold your breath, the same theme that has been tackled by ‘No Other Woman’ and only recently ‘The Mistress’.

‘No Other Woman’ is the second highest grossing Filipino film of all time raking in a total of 275 Million pesos in revenue while ‘The Mistress’ is this year’s frontrunner in the domestic box office charts pocketing almost 200 Million pesos (and it is still showing!)

So what makes them a resounding success?

One, the kabit this time is not the kontra-bida (antagonist) but rather a fine-looking, sympathetic, educated woman, victim of circumstance rather than choice whose only sin was to love and be loved in return.

This is a large contrast to the stereotypical kerida who is flirty, devoid of manners, downright evil and seeks nothing but money in trade of flesh and youth and vigor and adventure.

The success and effectiveness of these kinds of film, apart from their box office draw, is the fact that viewers end up sympathizing with the ‘kabit’ rather than the wife.

Wala na bang iba? You might ask.

My dear friends, I have two propositions either we do mash-ups or ‘revive’ some popular films of the past.

To start of, we can do a revival (with a twist!) of some popular films of the recent past. Examples:

Slumdog Mistress- a mistress joins the popular television quiz show ‘Who Wants To Be A Legal Wife’ and is just one question away from snatching the man of his dreams. The woman only has one lifeline, which is ‘call the wife’. Will the wife  help the mistress succeed? Or will she be the last hurdle in the mistress and his husband’s dream of being happy together?

Ang Tanging Kabit- a heart-warming story of the sacrifices a ‘kabit’ has made to raise her 12 kids (of different married fathers) amidst the judgment of the society, the financial difficulty and the emotional trauma.

City of Kulasisi- An angel chose to be human to be with the mortal woman he loves. Unknown to him the woman he chose in exchange of immortality is a mistress. It’s a tear jerker that is sure to instigate thoughts on immortality and immorality.

How bout we do a mash-up of the vampire theme and the kabit premise?

‘ Ang mundo ay isang malaking Capiz maraming bampira! Kung hindi ka lalaban magkaka anemia ka, lumaban ka!’ --- Carmi Martin, in the movie No Other Vampire

‘Ano ba ang mas mahirap na kalaban ang vampire na puta? O vampire na kabit?’ --- Christine Reyes, in the movie Bampirang Kabit

Or perhaps a mash-up of horror and the mistress theme?

‘Baybreytor’ (sequel to the movie Pridyider) an erotic-thriller outlining the story of an electronic pleasure device which is possessed by the devil and brings havoc and grim to any woman who uses it. The spell can only be broken if the woman can convince a married man to dump his wife and be with her instead.

2012 UAAP Cheerdance Results: Quasi-Facts, Absolute Rumors

UE courtside reporter made a big booboo at the start of the competition whe she shouted ‘Are you ready UP?’ as opposed to ‘UE’

Never did we know that it was a foreshadowing of  their team sporting blonde hair during their routine. The blonde hair was made popular by last year’s champion UP.

In the spirit of fairness we asked Sen Sotto if he was the one who advised UE to copy UP.

Reliable source from UE actually said that their peg was that of Charice and not of UP. Ok we get it.

Much to the surprise of many the NU Bulldogs delivered a refreshing performance incorporating well-loved Disney themes such as ‘A Whole New World’ and “Beauty And The Beast’ which got many wondering why ‘Lion King’ was snubbed?

As an appropriate homage to their school's official monicker the ‘Lion King’ theme was actually reserved by the FEU Tamaraws.

The FEU Tamaraws delivered a routine with the ‘jungle’ theme. They vehemently denied allegations that they were inspired by the story of Lolong (the biggest crocodile in captivity).

UST delivered another lackluster performance. The last time they claimed the championship in the CDC was 6 years back, asked to comment on the issue their coach said: ‘kayo kaya bahain almost every week ewan ko lang kung makapag practice pa kayo!’

She has a point there.

Unannounced Special Awards:

Tito Sotto Excellence Award: UE Red Warriors

Thanks for Joining Award, Rehearsal Of The Year: Adamson

Intermission of the Year Award: De La Salle University

Kutis Mayaman, Costume Mayaman Award: The Ateneo

Disney Child Friendly Award: NU Bulldogs

Camel Toe and Santol Award: UP Pep Squad

On a side note, Samsung was asked to comment why the prize for the first placer is only 340,000 PhP? A representative said that they were supposed to award 1M pesos but unfortunately they had to pay Apple for their recent loss in the patent war.

Despite Samsung’s logo prominently pasted in the arena many spectators doubt that they are indeed the sponsors of the event. Everybody thought Cebu Pacific was behind the event because of the abusive delay in the announcement of winners.

BREAKING: Although they did not place for this year’s CDC competition the UE Warriors are determined to go back next year with a vengeance. They already have a concept: KALBO.