Sunday, May 3, 2015

11 Things That We Learned From The Pacquiao-Mayweather Match

Kung alam lang sana ng entourage ni Manny that Justin Bieber would walk with Mayweather during the fight, sana pala Manny tagged Daniel Padilla with him para match!

Mahihiya sina Sarah at John Lloyd sa ‘power hugs’ skill ni Mayweather.

That a fight without the close-up shots of Mommy Dionesia waging her voodoo powers is just plain boring.

For girls out there, who would not want Mayweather to be your boyfriend? The type who would consistently hug you while you are in the middle of a fight.

In the event that Mayweather retires out of boxing he can surely join marathons, sprints and other track and field events.

That Filipinos can quickly turn into boxing analysts, experts and commentators whenever there is a boxing match where Manny is featured.

In boxing results in the Philippines, like elections, there is no such thing as ‘losing’. Either you win or you get ‘robbed’.

That despite that fact that the year is already 2015, decent human beings have the audacity to call out Mayweather as ‘gayweather’ as if being gay is an insult.

That there are some things in life na hindi pwedeng isisi kay PNOY.

That there are some things in life that cannot be entirely explained. For example, how Filipino politicians can afford to watch a luxurious boxing match in Vegas and why a Chavit Singson exists in this world.

If it is any consolation, it is perhaps destiny’s way of saying that the Philippines do not deserve a Pacquiao presidency.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Death By Milk Tea

News broke yesterday about a woman pronounced dead after she bought and drank a milk tea in Manila.

Jolo Revilla learned a lot of lesson upon watching that news. Most importantly, he learned that cleaning a gun is not the only solution, drinking a milk tea might be the best way to do it.

Minor actress Melissa Mendez got into trouble a few weeks back after an altercation with a passenger and the crew of an airline by insisting that she takes a seat not assigned to her so she can take photos of the clouds.

The plane had to eventually return to Manila to deplane the starlet after the crew failed to pacify her. Had this incident happen recently, the crew could just have served Mendez a sip of milk tea so she can calm down.

Meanwhile, The Buzz recently announced that the show will say goodbye after 16 years of airing citing that they need to rethink how the show can still be relevant.

I am surprised that it took them so long to realize that it is just an extension of Kris TV- whose topic revolves around Bimby and the love (love! love!) adventures of Kris Aquino!

Thank you, 'The Buzz' for allowing the Filipino people to at least not hear anything from the conceited Kris Aquino for at least a day in a week.  Imagine how difficult Darla’s life is!

Dear Darla, if it becomes unbearable at times, remember there is always a milk tea!

In other news, Balesin, an exclusive resort for the rich and famous, came under scrutiny once more when the news of ‘yaya meals’ circulated on social media.

In the spirit of fairness, Balesin issued a statement that they will not coerce Darla to taste the ‘yaya meal’ if and when Kris TV would decide to tape an episode there.

PNOY, in a recent statement has insisted that the accountability in the botched Mamasapano operations should be shouldered solely by the axed General Napenas- despite questions on why he allowed his kabarilan and best buddy suspended PNP Chief Purisima to plan and meddle with the operations.

In fairness to PNOY, his policy of passing the blame has been consistent since day one. Only this time GMA is not a convenient scapegoat.

Almost a month ago, VP Jojo Binay claimed that he is the Lee Kuan Yew of the Philippines citing his 'achievements' in Makati when he was still mayor.

While majority of those who heard this pronouncement by the thick-skinned VP Binay either don’t care or disagree, we are all willing to agree with VP Binay provided that he also follows Lee Kuan Yew’s example- DIE!

Someone please serve Jojo Binay a drum of milk tea please before 2016. 

Monday, March 16, 2015

National Pastime: Beauty Pageants, The President and The Boxer Blessed by God

Toni Gonzaga received polarizing opinions after her stint as host of the Binibining Pilipinas. Some finding her hosting skills as inappropriate for the event while some finding it funny.

So as not to offend the conservatives, next year the Binibining Pilipinas will hire a nun as a host!

Xian Lim who co-hosted the pageant with Toni Gonzaga recently ran into trouble when he was quoted by Gov. Salceda as saying ‘ I am not here to promote Albay!’ when he was invited in an event in the province.

Toni could have scored it big if during her barrage of jokes during the pageant night she asked Xian if he was there to promote Binibining Pilipinas!

Mayor Junjun Binay is still refusing to leave Makati City Hall despite the suspension orders from the Ombudsman on corruption allegations against him and his family. 

So as not to incite violence, it was reported that the government has asked Jolo Revilla to teach Mayor Binay how to ‘clean guns’ during his free time so he can make it his pastime.

Supporters of the Binays formed a human barricade outside the Makati City Hall to ensure that their mayor would not be forced to vacate the premises of his office.

The supporters insist that their mayor is not corrupt. Their declarations were negated by the packs of Jollibee food packs scattered after they left the venue.

Image from ANC 24/7 Facebook Page

PNOY continues to wash his hands clean and deny any accountability in the Mamasapano incident which killed 44 SAF members and insisted it was Napenas’ fault.

GMA was pleasantly surprised it was not blamed on her.

The fight between Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather has been confirmed. The Filipino boxer insists that God is with him and that he will win by God’s will.

In the spirit of fairness, God did not issue a statement.

Manny Pacquiao is seriously considering to run as President of the Philippines in the future.

The only thing that stands in the way between Pacquiao and that dream to be a President is a win versus Mayweather. 

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

#EhDiWow: Questions That Bother The Soul

In life, there is not always an answer but there are surely a lot of questions. Here are some of mine:

Question to Nancy Binay: What gown should our next Miss Universe candidate wear?

Question to Napoles: How did it feel that for one day (after Philippines failed to enter the Top 5 of the Miss Universe pageant) you were not the most hated woman in the country?
Question to Stella Araneta: Do you have an obsession with cakes? Yung totoo?!

Question to Binay: When the Pope mentioned that we should fight corruption in any form,  did you feel anything at all? Hiya? Kunsensya? Wala?!
Question to the Pope: When you said mercy and compassion, that was before you met the Binays right?!

Question to the Luneta priest during the Pope’s visit: Did Showtime contact you already?
Question to PNOY: If the day would come that you are scheduled to attend a celebrity wedding ceremony, the opening of another car plant and an interview with Vice Ganda-  which would you prioritize?
Question to GMA: What did you feel when, for the first time in the history of his administration; PNOY did not blame this issue of botched Maguinadanao SAF operations (#Fallen44) to you?

Question to The Queen Of All Media: Suppose one day, Darla made the unthinkable mistake of criticizing PNOY, would you bestow to her the capital punishment of unfollowing her on Instagrm?

Question to Bimby: Are you ready to be featured in nationwide news platforms in the Philippines once your mom confirms that you have been circumcised in the very near 

Insert The Buzz + Aquino and Abunda followed by TV Patrol and Bandila coverage on the monumental event bound to be a national issue:
Kris: Darlaaa! Faster! Bimby will be late na in his appointment!  The doctor is waiting!
Boy: Krizzy, eto na ba ang hinihintay ng buong sambayanan? Binata na nga ba si Bimby?
Kris: (rolls eyes) Yes Bhoy! I asked Noynoy nga to come with us sa hospital but he had to say no kasi daw baka i-bash nanaman siya sa social media na kung ano anong event nakaka attend siya. Eh hellow Bhoy! This is Bimb we are talking about no!
Boy: Puso sa puso Krizzy, I was always curious, did Kuya Josh went to have the same procedure?
Kris: (rolls eyes) you talaga Bhoy! Stop na! Darla! Si Bhoy! Nakakalokaaaah! I will unfollow you sa Instagrm sige ka! Hahaha!

Bonus Question to Ed Sheeran: Why only love her till seventy?

Sunday, January 11, 2015


Dear Pope Francis:

Welcome to the Philippines.

It might interest you to know that we are a very proud race. We take pride in the fact that our fellow Filipinos are trending online and we celebrate if one if us makes it to the finals of the American Idol or X Factor in some other countries. We call it ‘national pride’.

Speaking of ‘national pride’, you would also be delighted to know that we take it to the extreme. Meaning, if someone makes it internationally, we basically make him a god. One very good example is Manny Pacquiao- we made him a congressman, we also plan to make him a Senator or Vice President come 2016, we made a celebrity out of his mom and wife and kids. 

Heck! We even allowed him to own a basketball team and be its playing coach! We take pride in the fact Filipinos don’t commit crime whenever he fights, we made him a singer, an actor, an endorser. Don’t be surprised if CBCP nominates him as a saint in the next few years.

We are a nation with a very short memory. You see, we have ousted Marcos some three decades back and now his entire family is back with power and there is even a movement calling for his son’s return to Malacanang.

Another classic example is when we ousted Estrada a few years back and just when got released, he almost won the presidency once again!

We jail small time robbers but we adore big time plunderers. Name it we have it- mayors, congressmen, senators, presidents. We re-elect them election after election.

Whenever we catch our politicians lying, stealing or cheating- we don’t expect them to resign, rather we expect them to deny, dismiss it as fabricated story and then win another term or a higher post!

If you are not yet dizzy with amazement, please also know that we are a nation of shopping malls. Each city is bursting with malls- we have more malls than public hospitals! Beat that!

Please also note that if you would be disgusted with anything that you will see or experience while in the Philippines, better keep your mouth shut and never make a remark. We have a habit of declaring ‘persona non grata’ anyone who dared to criticize us, and this country- never mind if what they say is true. Please ask Mr. Dan Brown.

Recently we made international headlines as the country with the most luxurious prison cells! Please look at the picture below. Don’t they just look like five star hotels?

Photo courtesy of

We know that we have a world-record traffic situation in Metro Manila but we just complain and refuse to do anything about it- except of course by tweeting it or making it a Facebook status.

Our government thinks it is a joke to have a dysfunctional, inefficient and dangerous train system. Our bus and jeepney drivers think that they own the roads- they swerve left and right as if they were small motorcycles.

If you are lucky enough to hail a cab on a rush hour in a payday Friday then chances are, you will be a victim of hold-up!

We complain about garbage films during MMFF but we patronize them every year- never failing to make them blockbusters!

I think you will be surprised and disgusted to know that while the church and Baclaran and Quiapo is known for many devotees, they are the same spots with the most number of swindlers, robbers and snatchers! You would even find abortion potions being sold just right outside!

We are a nation who completes ‘Simbang Gabi’ because we believe that a wish would be granted as if God is some kind of a genie.

Welcome to the Philippines!

PS. How did you enjoy the world's worst airport?

Thursday, April 24, 2014

The Name Game!

The Philippines is so rich in personalities and landmarks that can slap a thousand and one dimensions in our everyday vocabulary! Are you ready for the name game? Here we go!

In a scale of Mar Roxas to Jejomar Binay, gaano ka ka-atat?

In a scale of 1 to Anne Curtis, how much alcohol do you need to turn into a bitch?

In a scale of Pagong to EDSA, gaano ka kabagal?

In a scale of 1 to Bong Revilla, how many trips to Jerusalem do you need to wash your image clean?

In a scale of Bong Revilla to Jinggoy Estrada, how thick is your face?

In a scale of 1 to China, how likely are you to claim what is not yours?

In a scale of Madame Auring to Kris Aquino, how miserable is your love life?

In a scale of Madamme Auring to Mahal to Kris Aquino, how likely are you to make a circus out of yourself?

In a scale of PNOY to Mar Roxas, how is your incompetence?

In a scale of 1 to PNOY, how likely would you blame someone for your mistakes?

In a scale of 1 to PNOY, how likely are you to move on?

In a scale of 1 to PNOY, how likely are you to hire your friends?

In a scale of 1 to NAIA, how hopeless can you get?

In a scale of J Co donuts to MRT, gaano kahaba ang pila?

In a scale of 1 to Vhong Navarro, how likely would you bring food to a condo?

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

TAE PO: Top 5 Notorious Punch Lines of 2013

2013 was one of the most devastating years for a third world country like the Philippines who, despite being frequently visited by naturally occurring disasters, has not learned from it. Special mention has to be given to epal politicians whose disaster recovery skills are limited to a conjunction of TV appearance and relief operations.

But apart from Habagat and Yolanda who made the headlines last year, a number of punch lines also hugged the spotlight!

I am listing down the five most notorious! You have been warned!

At number five, we have the loud and proud TV host whose hobby includes flaunting his millions, reducing entertainment to young women dancing like crazy in skimpy outfits and castigating his staff in public!

How to best use it in real life:

Imagine yourself inside an exclusive village at midnight and the security guards would not let you pass the gates because of existing rules.

Shout at them and roar! ‘You don’t do this to me!!!’

At number four, we have a news-anchor whose patience quickly ran out when his questions were left unanswered!

How to use it in real life:

Imagine yourself talking to the president of this country and you are asking questions about policies on transparency and FOI bill. You start hearing  all kinds and forms bullshits (including the blame game using past administration’s name)

Shout at him and say: ‘Panira ka ng araw eh!’

At number three, we have the perceived queen inconsistencies of the pork barrel scam whose standard answer to all questions thrown at her was a resounding ‘I invoke my right!’

How to use it in real life:

Imagine yourself being a Senator of the Republic of the Philippines who was caught red handed committing plagiarism not once, not twice but multiple times!

Face the media and blab: ‘I invoke my right po!’

At number two, we have a celebrity whose squeaky clean image was shattered when she was reported to have made a scene at a bar allegedly letting go of lines that were almost lifted from a movie script: ‘I can buy you, your friends and this club!’

How to use it in real life?

Please don’t unless you want to appear before BIR Commissioner Kim Henares!

image courtesy of

At number one, we have the queen of all kaartehan media who declared earlier that she will quit showbiz for the sake of her son Bimby!

Guess what? Not only did she stay in the limelight but she even managed to appear on an MMFF entry and drag her son to star in it!

Highly Commendable: Though he did not make the cut, this news anchor surely brought the house down for his funny faux pas while reporting live!

How to use it in a real life?

Andaming  dumagsang tae, este tao para manood ng MMFF movies!

Thursday, October 17, 2013

ANAK 2013 Version ni Ka Freddie

Freddie Aguilar, the singer song-writer of the world-reknowed and legendary song, 'ANAK' recently made headlines for his romance with a 16 year old girl!

The song, which sold 6 million copies worldwide and translated into at least 26 languages, is now up for a much needed revival!

Here's the new lyrics! Enjoy!

Noong isilang ka sa mundong ito
51 years old na kaya ako
Pati aking bunso mas matanda pa sayo
At ang nanay at tatay mo'y
Di malaman ang gagawin
Minamasdan lagi pag-alis mo
At sa gabi'y napupuyat ang iyong nanay
Sa paghintay sa gate ninyo
At sa umaga nama'y papasok ka sa eskwela
Kasama ng highschool bestfriends mo

Ngayon nga ay sixteen ka na
Two years na lang ay debut mo na
Di man sila payag
Walang magagawa
Ikaw nga ay biglang nagbago
Naging matigas ang iyong ulo
Anong magagawa eh nag meet tayo?
Di mo man lang inisip na
Matanda pa ako sa lolo at lola mo
Pagkat ang nais mo'y
Masunod ang layaw mo
Di mo sila pinapansin

Nagdaan pa ang mga araw
Hinayaan mo akong manligaw
Ikaw ay nalulong sa matandang pilyo
At ang una mong nilapitan
Ang iyong laptop at binuksan
At ang tanong ng facebook ,"what’s on your mind?"
At ang iyong mga mata'y biglang lumuha ng di mo napapansin
Nagtataka at sa isip mo'y
Nalaman mong ika'y nasa headlines
Nagugulo at sa isip mo'y
Hayaan na at least ika’y aking girlfriend
Kiniklig at sa isip mo'y
Nalaman mong ika'y may regla na.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

The Plunder Quiz

In recent news, Dominga Cadelina (the former maid of Janet Napoles) who was sent to jail for qualified theft, was seen on the television last night saying that she knew a lot of things that is why she was placed behind bars.

If you were Cadelina and Napoles filed a case of theft against you, what would you have said?

A.     Hiyang-hiya naman ako sayo ma’am! Ako pa ang magnanakaw ngayon?
B.     Kung magnanakaw ako, anong tawag po sayo ma’am?
C.     Pag maid magnanakaw agad ma’am? Pag senador napag-initan lang?
D.    Bago niyo ako ikulong mag-privilege speech muna ako! This is unfair ma’am!

PNOY was fuming when he was recently named ‘Pork Barrel King’ after the public learned of the irregularities in the pork barrel distributed during the Corona trial for those senators who voted for conviction.

In his official statement PNOY reverted back to old tricks and played the blame game by slamming the name of ex-president GMA and how her administration mishandled funds.

If you were GMA what would your reaction be?

A.     Eto na nga ang daang matuwid! Ang shaya-shaya noh?!
B.     PNOY, move on move on din pag may time noh?!
C.     Yung totoo? Gaya-gaya lang kay Jinggoy? Pag nahuli turo sha iba?
D.    Hiyang-hiya naman kashi ako sa kalinishan ng administrashyon mo noh?!

Jinggoy delivered a privilege speech crying foul and saying that selective justice is injustice. In the same speech he said that there is a government official who provided Jollibee receipts as pork barrel liquidation.

If you were Jollibee, what would you have told Jinggoy?

A.     Mas maganda kung nag resign ka na lang kesa nag privilege speech ka!
B.     Naks! Idol! Successful ang diversionary tactics! Bida ang saya!
C.     Thank you for the free advertisement! Langhap na langhap ang sarap!
D.    At least kami nag issue ng resibo, si bestfriend Napoles mo ba?

There have been two installments of Chito Miranda sex scandal, one for Wally Bayola, the attack of Habagat which submerged the greater Metro Manila, the Zamboanga crisis and Megan taking our first Miss World crown but the pork barrel scandal remains at the headlines of news.

If you were Napoles, Jinggoy, Bong and JPE what would your reaction be?

A.     Naknamputsa naman! Wala bang bagong pasabog si Kris Aquino?!
B.     Ara Arida! Please win the Miss Universe!
C.     Wala bang sex scandal si PNOY at si Grace Lee?
D.    Mayweather! Labanan mo na kasi si Pacquiao!

Photo courtesy of