Habemus Papam!

A new Pope has been named last week. Pope Francis was chosen by his fellow bishops to lead the Roman Catholic Church.

The voting process, as tradition dictates, was held in the highest form secrecy. Unknown to many, the Vatican thought of introducing ‘voting via text votes’ for the first time in history! They backed out at the last minute because it’s like saying ‘lets give the crown to the Philippines!’

The voting process was so confidential that the bishops were reminded that they would be punished by excommunication if they spill any details of it. Unfortunately, this ‘my-lips-are-sealed’ policy also applies to the pile of sexual harassment cases that the church accumulated over the years.

As tradition dictates, a white smoke should signify that a Pope has been chosen while a black one signifies- suspense! (we will be back after the commercial break!)

This recent election of the new Pope was historical in many aspects. First Pope to come from the Jesuit order, first Pope to choose the name Francis and the first Pope to come from the Americas. So many 'firsts' or as Madonna would  put it ‘like a virgin!’

This is also the first time that the selection was broadcasted via social networking platform and as expected, it topped most of the trending topics in twitter expect for the Harlem Shake and Justin Bieber’s meltdown.

In the Philippines, the event was highly anticipated because of the rumored strong chance of our very own Bishop Tagle in the race for the papacy. Unconfirmed reports put Tagle as the first runner up! Or as we Filipinos put it- the Jessica Sanchez syndrome or pwede ding Janine Tugonon phenomenon!

It was said that inside the Sistine Chapel during the final deliberation the final candidates were made to answer one final question which goes like: ‘do you think Latin should be a prerequisite to being a Pope?’

Our very own Tagle gained applause when he confidently answered ‘It's not knowing how to speak a specific language, it’s about being able to influence and inspire other people. Thank Yeow!’

A new Pope has been named last week. Pope Francis was chosen by his fellow bishops to lead the Roman Catholic Church in an era where the institution is plagued by massive allegations of sexual abuse, diminishing believers and outdated beliefs.

Meanwhile in the Philippines, the Catholic priests are busy campaigning against RH Bill proponents so passionate that they mention it in Sunday homilies and so creative that they come up with a moniker for it  aka‘Team Patay’ and so shameless that they think they have absolute grip of the moral compass.

A new leader of the Roman Catholic Church has been named last week in Rome and he chose the name Pope Francis. In the Philppines, mid-term elections is looming and if candidates can choose their last name they would stab each other just to be an ‘Aquino’, ‘Enrile’ or ‘Binay’.

The Interview, The Heretic and The Epals

If you think Ricky Lo’s interview with Anne Hathaway is embarrassing and awkward, where were you when Allan Peter Cayetano and Juan Ponce Enrile are busy throwing mud at each other?

If you think that Ricky Lo’s irritating set of questions fueled the inner bitchiness of Anne Hathaway, perhaps Senate President Enrile can recalibrate your standards of what ‘punching low’ means when he retaliated to the Cayetano siblings by throwing accusations to their deceased father, the late Rene Cayetano.

If Carlos Celdran can be jailed because of his disrespectful behavior to the church, why can’t we jail members of the Iglesia and Bro. Eddie Soriano who don't have anything to do in their respective TV shows but trash-talk one another?

If someone can be jailed for disrespecting religious practices, why can’t we jail priests who committed sexual abuse? Or members of the church violating the simple constitutional provision separating the church and the state?

If you think that you are still in a democratic country about to participate in a democratic exercise called ‘elections’ then why are you left with no choice but the same surnames?

If you think it is only in a monarchy that power and position can be passed down from one member of the family to another wait till you visit the beautiful country of the Philippines. Not convinced yet? Check the family tree in the Senate and in the Congress. If you don’t want to go far, go check the last three generations which occupied your city hall.

If you think that a surname alone can catapult someone to the Senate or to Malacanang, obviously Bam Aquino , JV Villar, Jack Enrile and Grace Poe think otherwise. It has to be rubbed in day in and out through perpetual ads in major TV networks.

If you think Cynthia Villar’s ‘hanepbuhay’ commercial is pre-mature campaigning where have you been when Chiz Escudero started co-hosting Kris TV? Better yet, when the LP Senatoriables started giving relief goods together with the Tuwid Na Daan King, NoyNoy, during a storm last year.

If you think we should fine the American government millions in US dollars for causing damage in our Tubattaha reef, don’t you think we should also fine Filipinos responsible for killing our very own Pasig River?

If you think that the recent shootout incident inside SM Megamall is a serious lapse in security, what do you call the inclusion of Anabelle Rama in this year’s election?

The First Filipino In Space

News broke about an initiative to send the first Filipino to the outer space by the year 2014.

In a casual interview, Claudine Baretto was made to comment on a hypothetical question.

Interviewer: Supposed you were chosen as the first Filipino to be sent to the outer space and the spacecraft got delayed how would you react?

We all know what happened next. Except for Mon Tulfo.

When Miss Universe 1^st Runner up Janine Tugonon was asked to comment about the issue she said:

‘For me being the first Filipino to reach the outer space is not just about knowing how to speak a specific language, it’s about being able to influence and inspire other people. So whatever language you have as long as your heart is deserving and you have a strong mind to show people, then you can be the first Filipino in outer space.’

In the same interview, no less than the President of the Republic of the Philippines was asked: ‘if you were to bring only one item in the outer space what would it be and why?’

Mar Roxas. My PSP, pakialam mo?

When the queen of talk, Kris Aquino, was asked to comment on what her first words would be as soon as she reached outer space, the star of the famous downy commercial blurted out ‘amoy ulam na ba kayo? I rub it!’

BREAKING:  The former President GMA was cleared by the Saint Luke’s Medical Centre of her life threatening illness!

She then asked her secretary to file her application form so she can be one of the candidates to go to space.

Filipinos signed a petition for the organizers to give GMA a one way ticket to the nearest black hole!

Meanwhile, the organizers received an overwhelming clamor to send ‘Pambansang Kamao’ Manny Pacquiao to be the first Filipino in space.

When asked to comment about the issue here’s what he said: ‘Depende naman yan, itatanong ko muna kay Bob Arum.’

In keeping with their tradition of claiming everything as part of their territory, China spoiled the fun by saying that everyone who wants to go to space must first get a VISA from them.

The infamous senator Tito Sotto was also asked to give comment to the issue but the senator declined to comment saying: ‘Bakit pa eh pag nag comment naman ako sasabihin ng mga detractors ko kinopya ko sa iba basta ang masasabi ko lang jan one small step for a Filipino one giant step for mankind!’

BREAKING! Next Year’s MMFF movies were inspired by this recent happening:

Vic Sotto and Bong Revilla’s Si Agimat, Si Enteng Kabisote At Si Kokey

Mother Lily’s Space, Rockets, Black Hole

Angel Locsin, Angelica Panganiban  and Dingdong Dantes in One More Comet

Vice Ganda, Kris Aquino and AiAi Delas Alas in STARakas

Ate Guy’s Thy Moon

POSTSCRIPT: Henry Sy declined to comment on rumors linking him and his company in the proposed SM Mall of Milky Way while Jollibee and McDonalds keep their heated rivalry as each try to outdo each other to be the first fastfood chain on the moon!

I Wonder

Growing up watching Japanese cartoons and sentai series I have always wondered why villains won’t attack the heroes as they are on the process of transformation.

Today, I cannot fathom why Filipinos who can’t even afford to eat a decent meal three times a day can afford to have a mobile phone or maintain a facebook account.

When I was a kid, I could not understand why my parents would say ‘finish your meal, there are a lot of hungry children out there!’ as if finishing my meal would make those kids full!

When I was a kid I find it odd that ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ was a song for children. 

Often times, I am left asking, which is more shocking? To see your mom kissing an old guy dressed in red or waking up on Christmas day with your stockings empty?

Since I started working, every Christmas I cannot reconcile how a Filipino employee could spend a year’s worth of bonus in one day of festivity which they say is supposed to be a celebration of all things that is not material- such as love, hope and peace!

When I turned 14 years old I figured that I have been fooled into believing that jumping as high as you can during New Year’s eve would make you taller. It’s supposed to only make you tired.

This year as the entire world greets the new year, I just can’t accept that a lot of people subscribed to the ‘Oplan Balik Alindog’ slogan. 

My biggest objection: 'How can you return something that has not been there in the first place?'

When I was in grade school I often wondered what’s the criteria for choosing that person designated to list down ‘noisy’ classmates on the blackboard.

When I turned eighteen I resigned to the fact that choosing that person who is responsible for listing down the noisy classmates is less arbitrary than the criteria for choosing our mayors and senators and presidents.

Who among us did not find it ironic that a blackboard is colored green?

Then again you grow up in a country where the righteous claim to be of the color yellow.

When I was a kid, I dread school. When I graduated, I dread work, but what I don’t understand is how Monday has been a constant dread.

Up to this day I cannot comprehend why every parent would say that education is our greatest treasure and how our leaders say that teachers are the noblest of all professions while the government’s budget for education dwindles every year.

As a kid I accepted without question or doubt that constant prayers and regular visits to the church would make me a better person not until I realized, some years later, that some of the most evil person on earth actually takes the Holy Communion for breakfast.

When I was in school, I was taught that acing the exams and giving accurate answers in recitations would make me the best. Growing up I’ve learned that failure is the best teacher.

In kindergarten, I often wondered why even if I beat King Koopa in the video game Mario Brothers, I couldn’t seem to save the princess. 

Growing up I have learned that I have to beat myself to save myself. 

Post Mortem: Bieber, Pacman and Mommy D!

So, Justin Bieber 'twitted' some pictures making fun of the Filipino national pride that is Pacman and as expected he got the ire of the sensitive Pinoys. That’s an empirical testament to the recent study naming Pinoys as the most emotional or sensitive race in the planet!

Pinoy netizens were quick to react to Bieber’s photos equating the act as a distasteful act meant to ridicule an entire nation and not a person. 

Last time I checked my geography books, Pacman is not the Philippines and Philippines is not Manny Pacquiao. So why make a big deal out of it?

I also do not know which is more funny, the fact that some Filipino’s find Bieber’s act as an attack to our nation or the fact that these same people are the ones sharing and circulating photos making fun of Dionesia, Jinkee and yes at some point Pacquiao!

Sample of the photo uploaded by Justin Bieber

I think the message is clear, it’s ok to make fun of our own kind. If it’s a foreigner doing it, it’s an attack of some sorts. If that is not double standard I do not know what it is.

Perhaps, stupidity. Perhaps misplaced nationalism. Perhaps boredom.

Bieber made fun of Manny by posting photos on Instagram and Twitter. What he didn't know is that he made fun of himself just by being Justin Bieber!

Breaking: After the incident Pacman is dropping the Bieber look.

Numerous analyses circulated after the Pacman-Marquez IV bout. 

One interesting point of view is that Manny has been dominating the number of punches thrown until that fateful 6^th round.

Well, that statement is a fact but it undermines one critical boxing rule- scores only matter in boxing bouts where a knockout did NOT happen. 

In this case, a knockout transpired! In broad daylight!

So yes, discussion of the scores is just immaterial and irrelevant.

Breaking: After the knockout, Pacman camp is seriously considering sacking out Freddie Roach as a coach for the next fight. He will instead be replaced by the legendary Claudine Baretto!

Mon Tulfo refused to comment when asked if he would be a 'willing' sparing partner. 

Mommy Dionesia was quick to point out that the root cause of Pacman’s defeat is his change in religion. 

Funny how a ‘Catholic God’ can enable his son to crush his opponents and how a ‘Born Again God’ cannot.

Unknown to Mommy D though, the Catholic God withdrew support because she (Mommy D) has been more pre-occupied ballroom dancing and shopping for the latest Louis Vitton bag!

In the same interview Mommy Dionesia was quoted saying ‘hindi hayop ang anak ko!’ addressing Bob Arum. 

The melodramatic statement was a nostalgic rehash of the iconic ‘my brother is not a pig!’ line popularized by no less than the Superstar Nora Aunor.

Breaking: There is little credibility to news hinting that Mommy D is starring in the next instalment of Shake, Rattle and Roll series nor will she reprise the role of Corazon: Ang Unang Aswang sans prosthetics!

Meanwhile hardcore anti-RH groups were quick to point out in two separate instances (Habagat and Typhoon Pablo) that such calamities were heaven’s way of saying ‘NO TO RH Bill!’

But when asked if Pacman’s defeat was also a punishment from heaven, the Anti-RH group kept their mouth shut.

Speaking of RH Bill, a quorum is required before it can be enacted in to a law. Lawmakers though are either absent or on leave.

The suggestion is to stage the Pacman-Marquez V at the Batasan so that once and for all attendance of our congressmen would be 100%- even for just a single day.

So I guess before we stage an indignation rally versus Bieber we should first hold our beloved and highly competent Congressmen accountable. 

Price Tag: It's Not About The Money, Manny!

Manny Pacquiao will be facing Juan Manuel Marquez for the fourth time this Sunday. Their match up is second only to the ‘Shake, Rattle and Roll’ series in terms of frequency. When it will ever end?

Manny will face Marquez once again to ‘finally’ settle the score. I don’t know if Bob Arum knows the definition of  the word ‘final’.

Pacman will once again get world-wide attention for his upcoming bout with Marquez. To those who are going to church this Sunday please make sure you say a little prayer for all our kababayans who still thinks that a Pacman victory is tantamount to national pride.

Congressman Manny would take home the lion’s share in Sunday’s bout. Kung talagang lumalaban para sa bayan, I guess its time to donate 100% of the profit to the victims of the recent typhoon in Mindanao! Not gonna happen! According to Jinkee, Hermes, Birkin and Louis Vitton.

TV stations would once again flock to General Santos City to get a footage of Mommy Dionesia on her knees praying intently with matching passing out. Any Pacman fight would not be complete without this news clip. Problem is Halloween is over!

Those who have been scared to troop the mall for a Christmas shopping, Sunday is your best bet! The entire Metro Manila turns into a ghost town during Pacman fights and so is the Batasan!

I am glad that our honorable congressmen are still able to go to Batasan at this time of the year nakakahiya naman kasi sa kanila kung hindi nila mapapanood LIVE ang Pacman-Marquez di ba?

Sports analysts are saying that the Pacman-Marquez bout would be all out. If that is the case, both boxers might have stitches after the fight. Jinkee on the other hand would be contented just to have another shot of botox. Kutis wax-museum ang peg.

The Mayans, when they predicted the apocalypse, actually had the vision of Mommy Dionesia and her rebulto plus the dramatic and proverbial ‘himatay’ moment. The end of the world as we know it is not Dec 21 but rather Dec 9. 

Oh wait! There’s still the Metro Manila Festival on Dec 25!

Enteng, Rattle and Roll!

It’s summer in December! Unprecedented. 

I don’t know if this is heaven’s way of punishing the Philippine Islands for patronizing the yearly MMFF. All I know is halo-halo is the new star of the Noche Buena!

BREAKING: Puto Bumbong production is currently on hold. Vendors are thinking of replacing it with ice drop or dirty ice cream in time for the yearly tradition of ‘Simbang Gabi!’

If you think that the hot weather at this time of the year is bad and the Twilight movie franchise is worse, wait till you see the line-up of the movies at this year’s MMFF!

Kung kanin ang staple food sa hapag ng mga Pilipino, si Enteng, Si Agimat at ang Shake Rattle and Roll ang constant sa equation ng MMFF.

Well, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with the movies outlined above. I myself is a self-confessed fan of the earlier versions of the Shake, Rattle and Roll series.

The problem lies when these movie franchises are canned and intentionally made to monopolize the venue that is said to showcase and celebrate Filipino creativity, artistry and film-making genius.

Did you know that some 30 years ago, when this annual event was inaugurated (1975) it became the platform for films like Burlesk Queen, Karnal,  Atsay, Bulaklak ng City Jail, Ang Totoong Buhay Ni Pacita M. and yes, Himala!

What happened?

Well producers say the mass needs to be entertained and by entertainment they mean slapstick comedy and cheap scare tactics and shallow plots and excruciatingly bad acting oftentimes relying on surnames, bankability or just like twilight- love teams.

Speaking of Himala, it would be shown in high definition a couple of weeks before MMFF which makes me feel both excited and sad. What happened to the filmmaking industry in the Philippines?

Are we as dumb as these producers perceive us to be?

Perhaps.

How else can a parent stomach their children’s hard-earned pamasko to be spent on the nth installment of the Kabisote franchise?

The movie line up for this year is not any different from the previous years. The only exciting spectacle that can be derived out of this yearly MMFF is if one among the Kabisote or Agimat or Shake Rattle and Roll decides to drop. Thanks Mano Po!

By undermining the capacity of the Filipino to understand and enjoy a good movie, the filmmakers of this country is doing us a disservice. By patronizing garbage outputs we are not only wasting our money but we are proving them right.

So anong bago this December?

Summer. Yun lang. Let’s all go to Boracay! For a change.

The Ugly Truth: Catholic Voting Bloc and RH Bill

In light of the heated debate on the RH Bill, members of the Catholic Church threatened that the ‘catholic voting bloc’ would be felt in the 2013 midterm elections and deny any pro-RH politician a seat in either the senate or the congress.

Remind me again that the bishops are not hallucinating or in a trance when they said this? What voting bloc are they talking about?

The existence of the ‘catholic voting bloc’ if at all it can be confirmed would also pave the way for us to ascertain the existence of mermaids, unicorns and Santa Claus!

If its any consolation, it can be noted that through out history everything that the Church opposed in time became a universal fact. Classic case is that of Galileo who insisted that the sun and not the earth was the center of the solar system.

If at all something can be derived here, apart from the fact that the Church has been the staunchest bully in the history of politics and mankind, it is that the Church cannot be trusted to interpret scientific arguments.

One of the main tenets of our constitution affirms the separation of the Church and the State but for some reasons the Church has always found its way to dip its fingers to the affairs of the state.

Unless we have all forgotten, the Church is the single entity in this country that is absolved and insulated from the claws of ‘tax’ making them invincible from audits and inquiries.

Truth is, the Church has so much in its plate right now. 

The age-old allegations of unresolved sexual assaults conducted by its members, the dwindling number of believers and followers, the advancement of science and technology challenging most their basic belief and the ongoing debate on its relevance in light of the many religions that exist (which is not as restrictive or dogmatic).

Truth is, the Catholic Church in the Philippines could have used its power and influence to tackle and force our crooked politicians to resolve issues on rampant poverty and corruption and help its indigent parish to bring to light their plight on sub-standard education and hunger.

But they chose to dip their fingers on the RH Bill.

Yes, the RH Bill.

They turned their back and insisted on NOT answering the question on how they have educated their parish on responsible parenthood.

It is said that the crooked politicians would rather have a constituent that is uneducated and poor because by doing so they retain their power every election.

The ugly truth is, the same can be said of the Church. They would rather have people who are hungry and people who don’t have anything to eat or a decent place they can call home or adequate access to the right education.

Because by doing so they retain their influence and relevance. 

AMALAYER!

In the tradition of Christopher Lao (the lawyer who insisted ‘I was not informed!’ when asked about his decision to compel his car to whirl in a heavily flooded area) and Robert Blair Carabuena (the pig  HR practitioner who punched and cursed an MMDA officer) another online sensation was born today!  

Kudos to Claudine Baretto for championing this public display of outburst school of behavior!

Thanks to the advent of technology too! Today there’s nothing more dangerous than a pissed off citizen, a public servant in uniform doing his/her job and a random bystander with a cellphone camera.

The online universe called her AMALAYER and by now she is on her way to become another youtube and twitter trending icon.

Well at least until another one takes her place.

Her offense: ‘misbehaving’ in a public place shouting at a lady guard for allegedly mistreating her by asking her to have her bag inspected as a protocol.

AMALAYER retaliated in full volume and predominantly in English while uttering the sentences ‘may pinagaralan akong tao!’

Alright then, if there’s a lesson that can be derived from this incident it is that: ‘not anyone that goes to school can be called ‘may pinag-aralan’

Attending a school and being educated are two different things.

Truth is, AMALAYER didn't utter expletives, she didn't even dare punch the lady guard. She raised her voice yes and made a scene using an armalite of repetitive english words.

The ugly truth is, this girl is not the first person in the Philippines to have used the English language to highlight how she is supposed to be a cut above the rest and acted as if she is entitled to humiliate anyone in uniform.

Oh common! This country worships, loves, fears, adores the English-speaking segment of the population! 

We equate the English language to some sort of supremacy and some even go to the extent of correlating it with intelligence quotient.

No wonder no one takes Lito Lapid seriously. Well, not until Tito Sotto displayed his arrogance brilliance!

The funny thing is reactions have been predictable, following the same pattern of those who gained ‘stardom’ before her.

Generally people were appalled, some chose to make fun of it (as the case of the picture above from twitter) and some of course say that it is just a snapshot.

And a snapshot is not enough to tell a story. 

Well true, but for now, AMALAYER would just need to stomach the public disparagement, take down her online social accounts for a while, hibernate.

Or she could do one thing, be elected as a representative in the Philippine Congress or Senate and invoke her right to parliamentary immunity!

Tama Tito Sen?