It’s More Flood In The Philippines

It’s that time of the year again when a 15-minute rain is enough to submerge Metro Manila and cause 5 hour traffic in EDSA and C5.

When PNOY was asked to comment on the issue, GMA interjected and said ‘alam ko na ako nanaman ang sisihin mo no? Move on move on din pag may time!’

Here’s what other celebrities have to say about the flooding issue:

‘According to Genesis 6:17, For behold, I will bring a flood of waters upon the earth to destroy all flesh in which is the breath of life under heaven. Everything that is on the earth shall die.’

--- Governor-elect, Manny Pakyaw

‘Dong! Sana magbaha sa Cebu kay hindi nila ako binutu! Buti pa tong si Nadia binalik na alahas at sala set ko! Drop ko na ang kaso dong!’

 --- Defeated Congresswoman aspirant, Anabil Rama

 ‘I resign!’

--- former Senate President, Juan Ponce Enrile

‘I resign too!’

--- Majority Floor Leader and Plagiarist, Tito Sotto

‘This is not about me! Hindi dapat ginagawang katatawanan ang ‘rape’ lalong lalo na ang baha sa Metro Manila!’

 ---multi-awarded journalist, Jessica Soho-Parker

‘Paumanhin po kung may nasaktan akong tao! Hindi ko po alam na masama na pala ang mag joke tungkol sa lechon! Seryosong tanong po, yung totoo? Ang baboy po ba nakakalangoy sa baha?’

--- comedy bar comedian turned box office star, Vice Gandara

‘I was very wrong in saying that Manila was the gates of hell. Yours is the reincarnation of Atlantis!’

--- Inferno writer, Dan Brownish

‘How dare you call our beautiful city the gates of hell I  invite you to come over and see for yourself! Don’t forget to bring jetski maulan kasi hindi nakakadaan ang kotse! hihihihi!’

--- MMDA Chairman, Francis Talentado

Elsewhere:

Miami Heat and the San Antonio Spurs are about to go head to head in tomorrow’s monumental Game 7 of the Finals!

Twitter and Facebook would be flooded with updates and status pertaining to the match coming from individuals who barely know these teams and NBA some two weeks ago.  They call themselves fans!

In  local language it is called sunod sa uso.

Freedom From

What is the relevance of the Philippine Independence Day if you are no longer a student who is being obliged to bring a small replica of the country’s flag at school?

To the working class, does it even go beyond the fact that it is a holiday, hence a rest day?

If you think about it, we have no Spaniard conquerors to free ourselves from. Well of course one can argue that the Catholic Church has remained almost unchanged since then up until this point- conservative, constricting and plagued with corruption.

You see, even if a revolution lead by a Bonifacio or a Rizal is no longer relevant, there are a lot of things that we, as a nation need to be liberated from.

For once, we should be liberated from telenovelas that start with a switched-identity premise and ends in a series of kidnappings as well as film festivals showing the infinite reincarnations of Enteng Kabisote, Agimat and Shake, Rattle and Roll.

That also means that TV Patrol and Inquirer should put a stop making Kris Aquino’s rants a national issue. Leave that to Boy Abunda and The Buzz.

Oh! Let us free ourselves too from clowns like Willie Revillame, we deserve a better kind of comedy or entertainment for that matter.

If we say that ‘it is more fun in the Philippines’, we better mean it and that means that we should start seriously thinking about re-constructing our airports.

Consequently, we should be free from carriers like Cebu Pacific whose only claim to fame apart from its constant delayed flights is Claudine Baretto.

If we say that we are a free nation and the beacon of democracy in Asia and in the world, then we should stop patronizing politicians whose credentials only includes their last name or pedigree for that matter.  The Senate is not a family-owned corporation.

That being the case, Maalaala Mo Kaya should stop airing the life stories of the Enriles prior to the election period.

That also goes without saying that the Aquinos should NOT have the monopoly of the Malacanang palace.

While the rest of the world legalized divorce we remained stubborn arguing that we would like to protect the sanctity of marriage and family and yet we champion movies with mistress themes.

Look around you and there are even public officials extremely proud of their ‘extended families’.  What gives?

While we take pride in being the text capital of the world, it also paints a sad picture about how we manage our finances and our perspective in terms of what matters most. The working class would rather have the latest mobile phone model than savings or investments.

Do you ever wonder why Henry Sy is the richest person in this country? Or how omnipresent SM Malls are that their sheer count far exceeds the number of hospitals that we have in the entire country!

I hope that we could also liberate ourselves from the yearly enigma that is flooding.

Please don’t get me started about emancipation from traffic.

I-Nancy Binay Mo!

You see it’s not the end of the world even if Nancy Binay becomes a Senator of the Republic of the Philippines.

Her win teaches us three valuable lessons in life.

One, that it doesn’t matter how much condemnation she garnered in social networking sites at the end of the day what matters is how much reach do these social networking sites have.

While we might think that we are a country obsessed with facebook and twitter, the sad fact is that majority of the population doesn’t have access to decent meal three times a day, so how can you expect these people to care what is circulated and shared on facebook and twitter?

If election is a matter of number of shares and retweets we might have had a different set of Senators today.

USE IT IN A CONVERSATION:

PNOY: Krizzy, andaming nanlalalit pa rin sa akin hanggang ngayon sa facebook!
KRIZZY: Ano ka ba PNOY? Ok lang ma-Nancy Binay no! Tingan mo ako they say a lot of nasty things about me on twitter pero nina-Nancy Binay ko lang!

Two, there is wisdom in following the old adage ‘less talk less mistake’.

You see, the great Nancy Binay did not engage in any debate in national TV. Sure, she didn’t get to outline what her platforms are but it also insulated her from saying the wrong things.

So if you are a fresh graduate or a professional who plans to snatch a job and you are not really sure how to go about it. Take Nancy’s example: skip the interview.

USE IT IN A CONVERSATION:

Jobseeker 1: Pare, andami ko nang pinag-applayan pero hindi pa rin ako matanggap!

Jobseeker 2: Pare kasi pag interview na i-Nancy Binay mo!

Three, there is great value in being an OJT for 20 years. I will not expound on that further.

USE IT IN A CONVERSATION:

Father: Son, what will you do after graduation?

Son: Gusto ko pong maging Senator someday so mag-Nancy Binay po ako sa inyo!

Elsewhere:

Pacman wins anew as a Congressman while wife Jinkee wins a Vice-Gubernatorial seat at Sarangani. Anabelle Rama though got denied of a congress seat in Cebu.

Anabelle Rama should change residences and move from Cebu to Saranggani.

Convicted plunderer and deposed President ERAP edged out Lim in the mayoralty race in Manila.

GMA shouldn’t worry about being convicted for plunder then. All she needs to do  is act old and sick, ask for pardon and give it some time so she can run and win as mayor in any city of her choice.

Jack Enrile’s foiled attempt to grab a senate seat tells us that sometimes, two Maalaala Mo Kaya episode isn’t just enough.

Nancy Binay denied all attempts to get her into a debate during the campaign period saying that she would rather have it in the halls of the Senate. I wonder if the brilliant Miriam Defesor Santiago would waste her energy too.

Ten Things To Remember on Election Day

Sanitized version of the article is published at rappler.com

TEN: Keep in mind that voting is not tantamount to playing a freakin’ BINGO game! You don’t need a blackout card. Doesn’t mean that you have 12 slots for senators you’d fill it up for the sake of filling it up! If there are only 6 qualified candidates in your opinion, so be it!

NINE: Beware of surnames and pedigrees. Leadership is not a genetic trait but corruption is highly likely to run in the blood, so is stupidity.

EIGHT: Beware of candidates whose only platform is to remove political dynasty. They are not genuine alternatives and chances are they are just bitter.

SEVEN: Beware of candidates who promise to eradicate poverty. Chances are they don’t know what they are talking about. Everyone can shout ‘world peace!’

SIX: Senate is a legislating body. A substantial debate is necessary to craft policies. If your candidate doesn’t want to engage into debates, chances are she’s best left of as his dad’s shadow (no pun intended).

FIVE: If you are left with a choice between a convicted plunderer and an incumbent who did nothing but left the city to rot as mayoralty candidates, you better switch address at least for the next three years.

FOUR: Keep in mind that elections are not horse races. You don’t need to place your bet on the front-runner. You gain nothing by voting the most likely to win.

THREE: Before you cast your vote take out the last twelve months of your payslip and look at the section where it says tax. Add it all up and multiply it to three. Look at the name in the ballot and decide if the person is worth trusting every cent of your earnings.

TWO: Gone are the days when our only obligation is to vote using our conscience and  best judgment. With majority of the population today remaining to be extremely gullible, it also rests upon us to educate and persuade.

ONE: The election day is the only day where everyone is truly equal. One vote per person, regardless of social status or intellectual capacity. Don’t let religion or campaign jingle or misleading political ad fool you.

Top 5 Most Irritating Political Ads on TV

It is impossible to tune in to the TV nowadays and not catch a single political ad. Here are the standouts:

TOP 5: Koko Pimentel still shouting fraud versus Migs Zubiri. Someone please tell the Senator there is such a thing as moving on.

TOP 4: Mrs. Villar’s irritating ad repeating the words ‘hanep na ang buhay basta’t may hanapbuhay!’. Mas hanep yata ang buhay pag walang epal?

TOP 3: Bam Aquino recounting how he is affiliated with Ninoy and Cory and NoyNoy. Did he purposely miss out Kris?

TOP 2: Jack Enrile’s ad with the tag line ‘Gusto Ko May Pagkain Ka!’  Yung totoo? Is this Jack Enrile running for Senator or a contestant in Master Chef? The next time you don’t have lunch or dinner you know who to bother!

TOP 1: If Grace Poe really wants to continue her father’s legacy why didn’t she start exploring a career as an action star first?

Elsewhere

ERAP as Mayor of Manila, convicted plunderer, Jalosjos convited rapist. Filipinos have a knack for electing criminals.

Surveys indicating that Jack Enrile, Nancy Binay and JV Ejercito within the Magic 12 of the senatoriables. Filipinos really love family reunions, don’t you think?

Recent survey showing the massive decline in the attendance of Catholic churchgoers and I was like, ‘Really? We need a survey to realize that long standing fact?’

The Catholic Church came up with Team Buhay and Team Patay to let people know about who voted for and against the RH Bill.

I wonder if we, the citizens of this country, can also come up with Team Halay to list down priests who are guilty of sexual abuse?

Habemus Papam!

A new Pope has been named last week. Pope Francis was chosen by his fellow bishops to lead the Roman Catholic Church.

The voting process, as tradition dictates, was held in the highest form secrecy. Unknown to many, the Vatican thought of introducing ‘voting via text votes’ for the first time in history! They backed out at the last minute because it’s like saying ‘lets give the crown to the Philippines!’

The voting process was so confidential that the bishops were reminded that they would be punished by excommunication if they spill any details of it. Unfortunately, this ‘my-lips-are-sealed’ policy also applies to the pile of sexual harassment cases that the church accumulated over the years.

As tradition dictates, a white smoke should signify that a Pope has been chosen while a black one signifies- suspense! (we will be back after the commercial break!)

This recent election of the new Pope was historical in many aspects. First Pope to come from the Jesuit order, first Pope to choose the name Francis and the first Pope to come from the Americas. So many 'firsts' or as Madonna would  put it ‘like a virgin!’

This is also the first time that the selection was broadcasted via social networking platform and as expected, it topped most of the trending topics in twitter expect for the Harlem Shake and Justin Bieber’s meltdown.

In the Philippines, the event was highly anticipated because of the rumored strong chance of our very own Bishop Tagle in the race for the papacy. Unconfirmed reports put Tagle as the first runner up! Or as we Filipinos put it- the Jessica Sanchez syndrome or pwede ding Janine Tugonon phenomenon!

It was said that inside the Sistine Chapel during the final deliberation the final candidates were made to answer one final question which goes like: ‘do you think Latin should be a prerequisite to being a Pope?’

Our very own Tagle gained applause when he confidently answered ‘It's not knowing how to speak a specific language, it’s about being able to influence and inspire other people. Thank Yeow!’

A new Pope has been named last week. Pope Francis was chosen by his fellow bishops to lead the Roman Catholic Church in an era where the institution is plagued by massive allegations of sexual abuse, diminishing believers and outdated beliefs.

Meanwhile in the Philippines, the Catholic priests are busy campaigning against RH Bill proponents so passionate that they mention it in Sunday homilies and so creative that they come up with a moniker for it  aka‘Team Patay’ and so shameless that they think they have absolute grip of the moral compass.

A new leader of the Roman Catholic Church has been named last week in Rome and he chose the name Pope Francis. In the Philppines, mid-term elections is looming and if candidates can choose their last name they would stab each other just to be an ‘Aquino’, ‘Enrile’ or ‘Binay’.

The Interview, The Heretic and The Epals

If you think Ricky Lo’s interview with Anne Hathaway is embarrassing and awkward, where were you when Allan Peter Cayetano and Juan Ponce Enrile are busy throwing mud at each other?

If you think that Ricky Lo’s irritating set of questions fueled the inner bitchiness of Anne Hathaway, perhaps Senate President Enrile can recalibrate your standards of what ‘punching low’ means when he retaliated to the Cayetano siblings by throwing accusations to their deceased father, the late Rene Cayetano.

If Carlos Celdran can be jailed because of his disrespectful behavior to the church, why can’t we jail members of the Iglesia and Bro. Eddie Soriano who don't have anything to do in their respective TV shows but trash-talk one another?

If someone can be jailed for disrespecting religious practices, why can’t we jail priests who committed sexual abuse? Or members of the church violating the simple constitutional provision separating the church and the state?

If you think that you are still in a democratic country about to participate in a democratic exercise called ‘elections’ then why are you left with no choice but the same surnames?

If you think it is only in a monarchy that power and position can be passed down from one member of the family to another wait till you visit the beautiful country of the Philippines. Not convinced yet? Check the family tree in the Senate and in the Congress. If you don’t want to go far, go check the last three generations which occupied your city hall.

If you think that a surname alone can catapult someone to the Senate or to Malacanang, obviously Bam Aquino , JV Villar, Jack Enrile and Grace Poe think otherwise. It has to be rubbed in day in and out through perpetual ads in major TV networks.

If you think Cynthia Villar’s ‘hanepbuhay’ commercial is pre-mature campaigning where have you been when Chiz Escudero started co-hosting Kris TV? Better yet, when the LP Senatoriables started giving relief goods together with the Tuwid Na Daan King, NoyNoy, during a storm last year.

If you think we should fine the American government millions in US dollars for causing damage in our Tubattaha reef, don’t you think we should also fine Filipinos responsible for killing our very own Pasig River?

If you think that the recent shootout incident inside SM Megamall is a serious lapse in security, what do you call the inclusion of Anabelle Rama in this year’s election?

The First Filipino In Space

News broke about an initiative to send the first Filipino to the outer space by the year 2014.

In a casual interview, Claudine Baretto was made to comment on a hypothetical question.

Interviewer: Supposed you were chosen as the first Filipino to be sent to the outer space and the spacecraft got delayed how would you react?

We all know what happened next. Except for Mon Tulfo.

When Miss Universe 1^st Runner up Janine Tugonon was asked to comment about the issue she said:

‘For me being the first Filipino to reach the outer space is not just about knowing how to speak a specific language, it’s about being able to influence and inspire other people. So whatever language you have as long as your heart is deserving and you have a strong mind to show people, then you can be the first Filipino in outer space.’

In the same interview, no less than the President of the Republic of the Philippines was asked: ‘if you were to bring only one item in the outer space what would it be and why?’

Mar Roxas. My PSP, pakialam mo?

When the queen of talk, Kris Aquino, was asked to comment on what her first words would be as soon as she reached outer space, the star of the famous downy commercial blurted out ‘amoy ulam na ba kayo? I rub it!’

BREAKING:  The former President GMA was cleared by the Saint Luke’s Medical Centre of her life threatening illness!

She then asked her secretary to file her application form so she can be one of the candidates to go to space.

Filipinos signed a petition for the organizers to give GMA a one way ticket to the nearest black hole!

Meanwhile, the organizers received an overwhelming clamor to send ‘Pambansang Kamao’ Manny Pacquiao to be the first Filipino in space.

When asked to comment about the issue here’s what he said: ‘Depende naman yan, itatanong ko muna kay Bob Arum.’

In keeping with their tradition of claiming everything as part of their territory, China spoiled the fun by saying that everyone who wants to go to space must first get a VISA from them.

The infamous senator Tito Sotto was also asked to give comment to the issue but the senator declined to comment saying: ‘Bakit pa eh pag nag comment naman ako sasabihin ng mga detractors ko kinopya ko sa iba basta ang masasabi ko lang jan one small step for a Filipino one giant step for mankind!’

BREAKING! Next Year’s MMFF movies were inspired by this recent happening:

Vic Sotto and Bong Revilla’s Si Agimat, Si Enteng Kabisote At Si Kokey

Mother Lily’s Space, Rockets, Black Hole

Angel Locsin, Angelica Panganiban  and Dingdong Dantes in One More Comet

Vice Ganda, Kris Aquino and AiAi Delas Alas in STARakas

Ate Guy’s Thy Moon

POSTSCRIPT: Henry Sy declined to comment on rumors linking him and his company in the proposed SM Mall of Milky Way while Jollibee and McDonalds keep their heated rivalry as each try to outdo each other to be the first fastfood chain on the moon!

I Wonder

Growing up watching Japanese cartoons and sentai series I have always wondered why villains won’t attack the heroes as they are on the process of transformation.

Today, I cannot fathom why Filipinos who can’t even afford to eat a decent meal three times a day can afford to have a mobile phone or maintain a facebook account.

When I was a kid, I could not understand why my parents would say ‘finish your meal, there are a lot of hungry children out there!’ as if finishing my meal would make those kids full!

When I was a kid I find it odd that ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ was a song for children. 

Often times, I am left asking, which is more shocking? To see your mom kissing an old guy dressed in red or waking up on Christmas day with your stockings empty?

Since I started working, every Christmas I cannot reconcile how a Filipino employee could spend a year’s worth of bonus in one day of festivity which they say is supposed to be a celebration of all things that is not material- such as love, hope and peace!

When I turned 14 years old I figured that I have been fooled into believing that jumping as high as you can during New Year’s eve would make you taller. It’s supposed to only make you tired.

This year as the entire world greets the new year, I just can’t accept that a lot of people subscribed to the ‘Oplan Balik Alindog’ slogan. 

My biggest objection: 'How can you return something that has not been there in the first place?'

When I was in grade school I often wondered what’s the criteria for choosing that person designated to list down ‘noisy’ classmates on the blackboard.

When I turned eighteen I resigned to the fact that choosing that person who is responsible for listing down the noisy classmates is less arbitrary than the criteria for choosing our mayors and senators and presidents.

Who among us did not find it ironic that a blackboard is colored green?

Then again you grow up in a country where the righteous claim to be of the color yellow.

When I was a kid, I dread school. When I graduated, I dread work, but what I don’t understand is how Monday has been a constant dread.

Up to this day I cannot comprehend why every parent would say that education is our greatest treasure and how our leaders say that teachers are the noblest of all professions while the government’s budget for education dwindles every year.

As a kid I accepted without question or doubt that constant prayers and regular visits to the church would make me a better person not until I realized, some years later, that some of the most evil person on earth actually takes the Holy Communion for breakfast.

When I was in school, I was taught that acing the exams and giving accurate answers in recitations would make me the best. Growing up I’ve learned that failure is the best teacher.

In kindergarten, I often wondered why even if I beat King Koopa in the video game Mario Brothers, I couldn’t seem to save the princess. 

Growing up I have learned that I have to beat myself to save myself.