Bring Out The Pumpkins!

I don’t know exactly when Filipino kids started celebrating ‘trick or treat’. All I know is that it is recent.

During my time, this time of the year meant family reunions at the cemetery with lots of food, a giant cooler, a tent and restless kids collecting melted candles which would later be converted into a giant ball, the bigger the bida better!

Tradition states that you and your cousins would watch the Halloween episode of Magandang Gabi Bayan and later on sleep in one bed hugging the crucifix for the fear that the aswang or mananaggal or kapre would skulk at midnight.

But with the recent turn of events, I doubt that the aswang or manananggal or kapre would still live long. Kids nowadays only recognize zombies and Frankenstein and of course the vampires! 

Soon, local horror story would be a thing of the past. Heck, who among the new generation knows what horror story the legendary Balete Drive stands for? or the tale of the headless priest?

In the next five years kids won’t even know the power possessed by that clove of garlic idly sitting at the kitchen drawer and how it is supposed to be the kryptonite of all known entities of the dark!

Today, vampires aren’t supposed to be scary. They are supposed to be sexy and perfect and the benchmark for an enduring love story. This is the part where I puke.

Zombies aren’t supposed to fright you too! All you need are a bunch of sunflowers and you should be good! Your brains included. 

Just like our concept of Christmas, our ‘Araw ng Patay’ is slowly evolving into a pale sottocat copycat of the western tradition.

There’s nothing wrong with it except that if kids connect Christmas with Santa and his raindeers and Halooween with Trick or Treat then we might as well ask God for snow! Remind me again that we are located at the tropics near the equator?

And since its almost every Filipino’s dream to experience snow, I think its high time for PAGASA to stop calling it typhoons and instead practice tagging it as hurricanes!

The trick or treat tradition encourages people to dress up in costumes and be everything they want to be for a night. Sounds like a liberating exercise to me!

Question is, if Filipino politicians dress up like clowns or thieves can we still call it dressing up?

Someone bring those giant pumpkins out!

Sin Tax Bill Gone Bad

Senator Ralph Recto received overwhelming criticisms for his 'watered down' version of the Sin Tax Bill. It’s easy to understand why.

According to the senator his version was the most realistic and pragmatic. It projects to rake in a total of 15 Billion pesos revenue for additional tax to be slapped on cigarettes and alcoholic beverage purchases.

Let's go take a step back.

The sin tax measure serves dual purpose.

First and foremost it seeks to deter a large chunk of the population (who belongs to the middle and low class) in smoking cigarettes and/or drinking alcoholic beverages and second it seeks to increase the government’s revenue.

Malacanang has been pushing for a version of the bill which would allow the government to collect at least 60 Billion pesos. Recto’s version (15 Billion projected revenue) is nowhere near that figure.

So from a profitability standpoint it fails miserably. 

In reality, the Philippine government spends around 177 Billion pesos for healthcare expenses related to smoking diseases. If you think about it, the revenue to be generated from this bill would not even cover half of the cost of hospitalization and health services spent annually by the government.

It should also be noted that the lower and middle class accounts for 90% of all the smoking and alcohol-related ailments in this country.  The very same segment of the population which is incapable of availing decent medical services.

By making the additional tax conservative or as Recto puts it, ‘realistic’, the bill defeats the principle of it being a deterrent for the continuous and lavish consumption of sin products. 

Why would a smoker stop his habit if it would only cost him a few more bucks to continue it?

If its any consolation, Recto resigned as the Committee Chair and asked that his version of the bill be put to trash. Class act.

And Senator Sotto was like, ‘What the hell buddy! Why resign? Ever heard of the cyber-libel?’

To which Recto replied: ‘Umm, it got a TRO from the Supreme Court remember? Also I don’t think I am as thick-skinned! I also don’t have a noontime variety show to defend me or wash up my image’

‘But you have no less than the Star For All Seasons as a wife! When election day comes the public would forget what this was all about! Think about the number of smokers in this country that would support you and vote for you! For all you know, you could win by a landslide!’, said the brilliant senator-clown.

'Pero yung totoo, na-influence ka ba ng cigar companies?' , usyoso ni Sotto

'Eto na lang, na-influence ka ba ni Kennedy dun sa last speech mo? Yung tinagalog mo?', sagot ni Recto na halatang inis. 

To which Sotto blurted: 'Sabi ko nga! Hindi na ako magtatanong!'

In a separate and unrelated event Pedro Calungsod became the Philippines’ second saint ordained by the Vatican. Manny Pacquiao was hoping he could snatch the third slot. 

Jinky Pacquiao is running for a vice gubernatorial post. If ignorance, arrogance and stupidity is a sin then she and her husband should be heavily taxed! 

Problem solved. 

Top 10 Sure Fire Signs That You’re In For A Fucked Up Elections

TEN: When the Senate, supposed to be composed of 24 individuals esteemed for their competence, brilliance, integrity and independence, is instead filled up with 4 surnames, action stars and a self-righteous clown.

NINE: When you have actors at the sunset of their career waking up  one day realizing that they want to help the poor (some would go to the extent and claim that the poor needs them!) and list themselves as resident of a certain municipality, city or province where they can be elected as mayor, congressman or governor never mind if it’s their first time to set foot on that soil.

EIGHT: When you have political clans who act as if they own a province. Passing down the political seat from father to mother to son and daughters and cousins and back. The same bigots who proclaim their surname spells legacy.

SEVEN: When you have three personalities (Aquino, Villar and Madrigal) known for their mudslinging in the last elections casting allegations of corruption and psychological incapacity among others, now under one political coalition.  Talk about ideology.

SIX: When you have a talent manager running for a seat in the congress whose only claim for fame is her ability to dodge libel complaints and her habit to expel expletives in conjunction with her reference to the Sto. Nino.

FIVE: When the wife of an absentee congressman-boxer runs for a vice-gubernatorial seat armed only with the intention to ‘help the poor’, the latest Hermes bag and a newly ‘botox-ed’ face.

FOUR: When an absentee congressman-boxer whose sole achievement in the house of representative is quote a bible verse and be present at most three times a year, runs for a gubernatorial post after switching political affiliations as often as his fight with Juan Manuel Marquez. Yes, that’s four times already!

THREE: When you have majority of the population voting by the slightest hint of a popular surname never mind track record, never mind competence so long as they promise to be at the side of the poor. The operative word is 'promise' and 'poor'. The former is the end the later being the means to the end. 

TWO: When you have 95% of the candidates running for a government post because either (1) they want to help (2) they are heeding the call of the people. The former being a case of extreme idiocy and the later a serious case of delusion.

ONE: You have majority of the population whose memory retention is just slightly better than a goldfish and whose idea of holding their leaders accountable is only tantamount to highly publicized impeachment proceedings and oftentimes pointless grandstanding that is masked as senate inquiries. 

eMartial Law Act of 2012

Last night, numerous facebook and twitter users changed their profile pictures to a black image in protest of to the  Republic Act 10175 otherwise known as Cybercrime Prevention Act of 2012, which is in effect today.

The bill gathered criticism and opposition because of the alleged ‘insertion’ of a provision for libel as criminal act that is punishable by 1M pesos or 12 years in prison.

To those who feel that the libel clause would curtail freedom of speech there are several workarounds possible:

First, seek Anabelle Rama’s advise on how to best survive a libel case. She is a veteran.

Second, use vague and ambiguous blind items. Example:

‘Sino itong kasalukuyang presidente na pumirma ng e-martial law na naturingan pa namang anak ng dating presidente na nagtaguyod ng demokrasya ng bansa? ‘

In a totally unrelated news, if Ferdinand Marcos was alive today he would have put his thumbs up and say: ‘Great job Noy! Continue my legacy!’

The insertion of the libel clause in the Cybercrime Prevention Act teaches our kids two valuable things:

First, copying and plagiarism is alright but calling a liar a ‘liar’ or a thief a ‘thief’ or a plagiarist a ‘plagiarist’ is a crime.

Second, it would take a lifetime to pin down a government official for plunder but only a ‘pikon’ polictian-celebrity-personality to send someone to jail.

Recent turn of events had CGMA grinning from ear to ear. She posted a facebook status that said ‘subukan mo lang mag post sa twitter tungkol sa akin at sisihin ang administrasyon ko sa mga SONA mo at idedemanda kita ng libel!’

There are some pending bills in the Congress that are closely related to the eMartial Law Act of 2012 which includes:

eTresspassing Act – a law that makes annoying facebook game requests a criminal act.

eMurder Act- a law that makes premature tweets or facebook status declaring a person dead (contrary to facts) a criminal act.

eCurfew Act- a law that defines the hours where citizens can tweet or update their facebook hours.

eTheft Act- a law that makes unauthorized sharing or re-tweeting of pictures, videos and status a criminal law.

eRape Act- a law that makes unauthorized use of a picture of your unwilling online crush to serve your own carnal pleasures. 

eLandi Act (otherwise known as the Cyber Kulasisi Act) - a law that makes ‘landian’ in facebook and in twitter a crime.

eMo- the act of posting unnecessary and excessive status and tweets related to love, relationship and lack or absence thereof. 

Recycling Kabit Movies

Revivals and covers have been the name of the game in almost the last two decades in the Filipino Pop Music landscape.

Some would be subtle and proclaim that its all about honoring the Filipino talent or some sort of tribute, but I am sure that it would not take an Einstein to point out that the main consideration has always been commercial success if not an explicit deficiency in creativity.

This trend recently found its way in mainstream Filipino movies with one persistent theme- the lives and feelings and struggles of mistresses (kabit, kerida, kalaguyo, kaagaw, kulasisi)

And no, there are no pretensions.

They come in using the almost the same cast, exploring the same themes and often times the same punch lines- save for some tweaks here and there of course.

BREAKING: Senator Sotto denied he has anything to do with this trend. How can someone steal or copy the story of a film when clearly they have different titles?

Unless the trailer is misleading Anne Curtis and Derek Ramsey’s upcoming film: A Secret Affair tackles, hold your breath, the same theme that has been tackled by ‘No Other Woman’ and only recently ‘The Mistress’.

‘No Other Woman’ is the second highest grossing Filipino film of all time raking in a total of 275 Million pesos in revenue while ‘The Mistress’ is this year’s frontrunner in the domestic box office charts pocketing almost 200 Million pesos (and it is still showing!)

So what makes them a resounding success?

One, the kabit this time is not the kontra-bida (antagonist) but rather a fine-looking, sympathetic, educated woman, victim of circumstance rather than choice whose only sin was to love and be loved in return.

This is a large contrast to the stereotypical kerida who is flirty, devoid of manners, downright evil and seeks nothing but money in trade of flesh and youth and vigor and adventure.

The success and effectiveness of these kinds of film, apart from their box office draw, is the fact that viewers end up sympathizing with the ‘kabit’ rather than the wife.

Wala na bang iba? You might ask.

My dear friends, I have two propositions either we do mash-ups or ‘revive’ some popular films of the past.

To start of, we can do a revival (with a twist!) of some popular films of the recent past. Examples:

Slumdog Mistress- a mistress joins the popular television quiz show ‘Who Wants To Be A Legal Wife’ and is just one question away from snatching the man of his dreams. The woman only has one lifeline, which is ‘call the wife’. Will the wife  help the mistress succeed? Or will she be the last hurdle in the mistress and his husband’s dream of being happy together?

Ang Tanging Kabit- a heart-warming story of the sacrifices a ‘kabit’ has made to raise her 12 kids (of different married fathers) amidst the judgment of the society, the financial difficulty and the emotional trauma.

City of Kulasisi- An angel chose to be human to be with the mortal woman he loves. Unknown to him the woman he chose in exchange of immortality is a mistress. It’s a tear jerker that is sure to instigate thoughts on immortality and immorality.

How bout we do a mash-up of the vampire theme and the kabit premise?

‘ Ang mundo ay isang malaking Capiz maraming bampira! Kung hindi ka lalaban magkaka anemia ka, lumaban ka!’ --- Carmi Martin, in the movie No Other Vampire

‘Ano ba ang mas mahirap na kalaban ang vampire na puta? O vampire na kabit?’ --- Christine Reyes, in the movie Bampirang Kabit

Or perhaps a mash-up of horror and the mistress theme?

‘Baybreytor’ (sequel to the movie Pridyider) an erotic-thriller outlining the story of an electronic pleasure device which is possessed by the devil and brings havoc and grim to any woman who uses it. The spell can only be broken if the woman can convince a married man to dump his wife and be with her instead.

2012 UAAP Cheerdance Results: Quasi-Facts, Absolute Rumors

UE courtside reporter made a big booboo at the start of the competition whe she shouted ‘Are you ready UP?’ as opposed to ‘UE’

Never did we know that it was a foreshadowing of  their team sporting blonde hair during their routine. The blonde hair was made popular by last year’s champion UP.

In the spirit of fairness we asked Sen Sotto if he was the one who advised UE to copy UP.

Reliable source from UE actually said that their peg was that of Charice and not of UP. Ok we get it.

Much to the surprise of many the NU Bulldogs delivered a refreshing performance incorporating well-loved Disney themes such as ‘A Whole New World’ and “Beauty And The Beast’ which got many wondering why ‘Lion King’ was snubbed?

As an appropriate homage to their school's official monicker the ‘Lion King’ theme was actually reserved by the FEU Tamaraws.

The FEU Tamaraws delivered a routine with the ‘jungle’ theme. They vehemently denied allegations that they were inspired by the story of Lolong (the biggest crocodile in captivity).

UST delivered another lackluster performance. The last time they claimed the championship in the CDC was 6 years back, asked to comment on the issue their coach said: ‘kayo kaya bahain almost every week ewan ko lang kung makapag practice pa kayo!’

She has a point there.

Unannounced Special Awards:

Tito Sotto Excellence Award: UE Red Warriors

Thanks for Joining Award, Rehearsal Of The Year: Adamson

Intermission of the Year Award: De La Salle University

Kutis Mayaman, Costume Mayaman Award: The Ateneo

Disney Child Friendly Award: NU Bulldogs

Camel Toe and Santol Award: UP Pep Squad

On a side note, Samsung was asked to comment why the prize for the first placer is only 340,000 PhP? A representative said that they were supposed to award 1M pesos but unfortunately they had to pay Apple for their recent loss in the patent war.

Despite Samsung’s logo prominently pasted in the arena many spectators doubt that they are indeed the sponsors of the event. Everybody thought Cebu Pacific was behind the event because of the abusive delay in the announcement of winners.

BREAKING: Although they did not place for this year’s CDC competition the UE Warriors are determined to go back next year with a vengeance. They already have a concept: KALBO. 

Kapag PUNO Na Ang Salop

Former DILG Undersecretary and prominent PNOY kabarilan, Rico Puno reached headlines when his failed attempt to penetrate the condo unit of the late Sec. Jesse Robredo made news.

Reports from ABSCBN later on revealed that Robredo was investigating Puno for an alleged corruption case involving an irregular rifle bidding process.

PREQUEL: 24 Hours Before The Incident

PUNO: Nagawa mo ba yung pinagagawa ko?

Agent X: Tapos na po. Di po ba niyo nakita sa news? Ilang araw ng nasusunog!

PUNO: Tutuban Mall yun ah!

Agent X: Oo nga po, hindi po ba dun?

PUNO: Hindi dun! Sabi ko sa condo! Inutil! Susugurin ko na nga lang at ako na ang magliligpit ng ebidensya!

The President was quick to defend Puno by issuing a statement confirming that it was actually him who ordered Puno to secure Robredo’s office.

When asked if his orders include the residential condo, PNOY said that it might just be a case of misinterpretation.

The Rappler later on pointed out that the statement PNOY made was inconsistent and actually contradicts former statements made by De Lima and the Robredo's wife. 

FAST FORWARD: 24 Hours After The Incident

PNOY: Last na to pare ah! Sa susunod ilalaglag na kita!

PUNO: Akala ko ba three strike rule pare?

PNOY: Three strike nga, una yung palpak mo nung Quirino hostage incident, eto pangalawa. Isa na lang!

PUNO: Galing mo pala sa math pare!

PNOY: Naman!

Meanwhile, Senator Mirriam Santiago has arranged a Senate hearing to investigate the incident. Comedian-Senator Tito Sotto gave Puno some tips to survive the grilling session

Condescending approach: 'Bakit ko naman pupuntahan yun eh condo lang yun? Logbook ba kamo? Kahit sino pwedeng isulat ang pangalan ko sa logbook!'

Tanga Approach: 'I was looking for the fuselage of the plane, my search led me there. Didn’t know it was his condo!'

Palusot approach: 'Sumali ako ng Amazing Race andun yung next clue so dumaan ako dun! Pero umalis din agad.'

Pang Asar Approach: 'Walang batas sa Pilipinas prohibiting someone to visit a condo! Bakit? Kumatok naman ako ah! Buti sana kung pinasok ko by force!'

After Puno’s resignation the President was quoted saying that he is considering Puno for other government post.

Enter music:

Next Attraction: Maligno in Malacanang

In a radio program, Korina Sanchez recently made a remark that a dark, little monster is eyeing the DILG post after the demise of Sec. Jesse Roberdo, to quote Korina’s original statement ‘maitim na maliit na maligno’.

A few days after Korina made the statement, Binay’s camp said that the  comment was uncalled for and was in fact under the knee belt!

The plot thickened when Mar Roxas, Korina’s husband, in defense of his wife said ‘tabi, tabi po’ ‘bato bato sa langit ang tamaan guilty!’

In a joint press conference, Mother Lily and Binay denied rumors of the Vice President starring in latest  installment of Shake Rattle and Roll horror series.

Immediately almost after the press conference,  VP Binay filed a complaint at Korina’s home network so ABSCBN can investigate the alleged unethical and unfair comments.

To settle the dispute the Kapamilya network called an albularyo to conduct a ritual called ‘tawas’ using a basin of water, a spoon and melted candle. You don’t want to know what image appeared in the ‘tawas’ session.

image from pinoyexchange.com

Binay’s camp inferred that perhaps Korina is still bitter of Mar’s loss in the 2012 elections and Korina was like 'pag nag comment bitter na agad? hindi ba pwedeng taklesa lang muna?'

Binay’s camp was also quoted saying ‘sayo na ang DILG sa akin ang 2016!’

If Binay would win the 2016 Presidential elections, it would make Malacanang the official residence of the 'laman-lupa'  or if you will- nuno sa punso, having housed one dwende in the past and a maitim, maliit na maligno in the future.

If Mar Roxas has any shot of reclaiming his failed presidential bid he has to shine bright in his new post as DILG chief.

Apparently, former Mr. Palengke has some big tsinelas shoes to fill after the Sec. Jessie Robredo and PNOY was like ‘Mar! Chance mo na to!’

Unfortunately, after using the monicker Mr. Palengke and Mr.Padyak, Mar cannot use Mr. Tsinelas because it has been identified with the late Jessie Robredo.

Commedian-Senator Sotto however gave a brilliant suggestion! ‘Ano ka ba Mar? Walang plagiarism law sa Pilipinas! I-english mo lang yan pwede mo nang gamitin. Try this: Mr. Slippers!

The clown-lawmaker also added: ‘to make it more masa ask Ramboo to be your sponsor as instead of Havaianas! Better yet, bring back the good old Alpombra!’

Unknown to many but obvious for one apparent reason, both Korina and Binay were secretly happy that Robredo’s passing happened years before 2016.  

Had it happen months before the presidential elections Leni (the wife) would have won by a landslide preventing both of them from clinching the Malacanang post. 

Sotto's Sin

The online community has been calling for Sotto’s resignation since the first part of  his Turno en Contra speech for the RH Bill discussion which exposed his proficiency in copying, pasting (or to his staff’s own words- ‘lifting’) entire passages from different authors word per word.

Seriously? We expect a comedian-senator to suddenly develop decency overnight after displaying an extreme case of ignorance, arrogance and entitlement?

I do not know which rule applies best here:

A.     You cannot teach hominids new tricks

B.    There’s no point arguing with a fool, specially if he is Senator of the Philippines

Sotto has been called many different names in twitter and in facebook- 100% of the time they are downright condescending. But the truth of the matter is he might not even know what ‘condescending’ means.

All he knows is that he is ridiculed and by fighting the RHBill’s passage into law he is doing God and the people of the Philippines a great service.

Enter music:

‘Sinong dakila?

Sino ang tunay na baliw?

Sinong mapalad?

Sinong tumatawag ng habag?

Yoon bang sinilang na ang pag iisip ay di lubos?

O husto ang isip ngunit sa research ay kapos?

Okay, I do not want to be charged of plagiarism so I’ll ‘SOTTOFY’ the passages above and translate it to English:

Who is noble?

Who is the real fool?

Who is fortunate?

Who begs for charity?

Those who are born mentally incapacitated?

Or Sotto?

Come to think of it, because of the honorable senator, the issue of plagiarism is very much alive. 

Discussions on what constitutes plagiarism, why it is a mortal sin inside and outside the classroom is being brought to the attention of Filipino citizens.

Suddenly its not just about reproductive health and condom and how it all ties up to what God wants us to do in terms of procreation. Suddenly its all about jokes at the Senate halls, English-Tagalog translations, twisting of intent and meaning, ego, arrogance and utter lack of logic.

Fine, we cannot force the clown to resign and perhaps laws in the Philippines might not be sufficient to hold a comedian-senator accountable for his intellectual blunders but one day I sure hope someone steps up and turn the entire circus into a Cirque-de-Soleil level.

Request for a senate investigation and invite Sotto’s professors in Letran and ask them how this man managed to escape college without understanding the basic tenets of logic and without any grain of comprehension of what plagiarism is.

Perhaps, we can ask how a man voted by the citizens of the Philippines to craft laws has become so full of himself that he lost his basic respect for the intellectual property of others.

Sotto’s greatest sin is not that he committed plagiarism or his ignorance. His greatest sin is arrogance. 

BREAKING: Webster is seriously considering using 'Sotto' as a synonym of the word 'copy'. 

Example: Instead of using 'copy and paste', one can just say 'Sotto and paste'.

'You are nothing but a second-rate, trying hard, Sottocat!'  --- from the movie A Star Without Glitter